Yes, last weekend I was pretty sure JP and I were nothing. Yes, I'm aware I change my mine faster than Canadian weather. I take full responsibility for the events going the way they did, and we're over them.
The point behind this (slightly drunken) post, is simple. I fell tonight. No, I didn't stumble and hurt myself (did that last week, torn ligaments and all). No, I fell for JP. I'm tired of fighting it. If I get hurt, I get hurt, so be it. But I'm going to enjoy what I have now with him, and hope (maybe even pray) for what could come. There is something special about this boy, something I haven't found in a person in.. well.. ever. Sweet, kind, funny.. he has it all. I don't know what's going to happen when he makes the trip over here. And I don't know how I'm going to handle it when he leaves. But I'm going to take it one step at a time and enjoy it.
So world.. I have fallen for a boy. And I'm going to throw my arms wide, tip my head back and enjoy the rush of the wind... and one day when I land.. I pray it's in his arms.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
Over?
call me immature if you want. call me indecisive. but right now i'm so hurt I do not know what to do with myself.
I've definitely read too much in to JP. And now I'm hurting because of it.
Maybe when I'm not over emotional, i'll elaborate.
I've definitely read too much in to JP. And now I'm hurting because of it.
Maybe when I'm not over emotional, i'll elaborate.
Desires...
the way that life works for me, isn't always a good thing. There is so much that I want to have, or would like to have, or wish to have, and I often wonder just how much, if any of it, I will ever have happen. Some of them are basic wishes, others seem to be a little weirder.
My basic desires are pretty much straightforward for "most" women. I say most because there are some out there that really do not want them. These would be a man, and kids. Notice the wording I used. Man and Kids rather than husband and kids. I say this because I do not believe that you should have to get married to have children, if you dont want to. That's not saying marriage isn't something I dont want... because it is. However, as I creep towards 30 (3.5 years now), the desire for children has started to outweigh the desire for a white dress and "i do's". For some people, the vows come first, which I understand.. but if that's the case I'd like to get them out of the way asap!
I'm really starting to feel the pull for kids. My aunt's due with her 2nd baby in the next 3 weeks. MY AUNT. Not a sister, or a cousin, but my aunt who's 16 years my senior. Since her first was born in 2003 I have had 6 miscarriages. Yes I have reason for them all, nothing too serious (birth control is NOT my friend) and nothing my fault.. but I've still had an opportunity to love and carry a baby and had it ripped away. To put it gently I'm so jealous of my aunt that I'll have problems not running away with her baby once she's here. I'm 26, going on 27. I'm single, I have no official prospects for a man... and I dont have the heart to go out and look for one. I'm going to blame JP for that, becuase god dammit I want him and he's too damn far away for me to do anything about it! But it's getting harder and harder to not want to go and start having a slew of one night stands with out protection, lying to the guys saying I'm on something just to get knocked up. Not a good way to go, I know this, which is why I've never done it... but the appeal is there!
JP and I have been having some problems communicating lately. Stupid stuff ticks me off (not just him, works straight across the board from men to family to friends, to ppl I dont know), and it's hard to stay calm and feel rational. I hold people to their word. You say you'll do it, you better do it or give me a damn good reason (and some notice) as to why. I dont care what he does or where he goes, but if he says "I'll talk to you tomorrow" I want to either talk to him, or hear from him saying he wont be around... with the 2 hour time difference it's almost necessary to avoid me ruining an entire evening or staying up late when I dont have to. He probably feels like I want him to check in, but really.. I dont. I know better than to ask a guy to check in for something, especially one I'm not dating. That's suicide, and I'm not suicidial at the moment! Just dont want to sit around and wait when nothing's going to happen.
This disagreement, tho it seems to have been dealt with and handled (I think..), makes me very nervous about talking to him. Yes, I'm the one who got upset, but when I explained it to him he was obviously annoyed with me. I like this boy, a lot. In fact, if he lived here, I'd be willing to throw away the love of my single life for him. He's a guy, he's going to mess up and be a guy. Nothing that I can do about that. But where he's so far away it puts me on eggshells. I dont want to fight with him. I want to get to know him, get comfortable and pray that we get to meet at some point. Since OT isn't available at work anymore, it's almost up to him to come here and see me because it's just not possible for me to save up the $1200 between now and the end of the year.
In short, I feel like the only "wishful prospect" has gone. I know he hasn't, but I've just got a feeling my words may have ruined it all. I'm gonna back off him a little see if he is still interested. He did talk to me last night for an hour or so, but it seemed strained. That could be just me, but we'll have to see where it goes. I really hope that this can be gotten beyond, I really do like him. I'm no longer afraid to say I'm falling for him, because that would be lying. I haven't fallen yet, but I'm certain should he try and pack me in a suitcase I wont fuss as long as he remembers to grab my camera and my wallet. This still scares me a little, I've spent 2 years avoiding guys... but there's just something a little different about him. *sigh* I'm allowed to dream.. shut up.
******
The route home from work has me feeling a little bitter right now. It seems like everywhere I go I see teen moms or young ppl sporting obvious engagement rings. I know that envy is not appealing.. but god dammit! I'm older, I want it too! Gerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
My basic desires are pretty much straightforward for "most" women. I say most because there are some out there that really do not want them. These would be a man, and kids. Notice the wording I used. Man and Kids rather than husband and kids. I say this because I do not believe that you should have to get married to have children, if you dont want to. That's not saying marriage isn't something I dont want... because it is. However, as I creep towards 30 (3.5 years now), the desire for children has started to outweigh the desire for a white dress and "i do's". For some people, the vows come first, which I understand.. but if that's the case I'd like to get them out of the way asap!
I'm really starting to feel the pull for kids. My aunt's due with her 2nd baby in the next 3 weeks. MY AUNT. Not a sister, or a cousin, but my aunt who's 16 years my senior. Since her first was born in 2003 I have had 6 miscarriages. Yes I have reason for them all, nothing too serious (birth control is NOT my friend) and nothing my fault.. but I've still had an opportunity to love and carry a baby and had it ripped away. To put it gently I'm so jealous of my aunt that I'll have problems not running away with her baby once she's here. I'm 26, going on 27. I'm single, I have no official prospects for a man... and I dont have the heart to go out and look for one. I'm going to blame JP for that, becuase god dammit I want him and he's too damn far away for me to do anything about it! But it's getting harder and harder to not want to go and start having a slew of one night stands with out protection, lying to the guys saying I'm on something just to get knocked up. Not a good way to go, I know this, which is why I've never done it... but the appeal is there!
JP and I have been having some problems communicating lately. Stupid stuff ticks me off (not just him, works straight across the board from men to family to friends, to ppl I dont know), and it's hard to stay calm and feel rational. I hold people to their word. You say you'll do it, you better do it or give me a damn good reason (and some notice) as to why. I dont care what he does or where he goes, but if he says "I'll talk to you tomorrow" I want to either talk to him, or hear from him saying he wont be around... with the 2 hour time difference it's almost necessary to avoid me ruining an entire evening or staying up late when I dont have to. He probably feels like I want him to check in, but really.. I dont. I know better than to ask a guy to check in for something, especially one I'm not dating. That's suicide, and I'm not suicidial at the moment! Just dont want to sit around and wait when nothing's going to happen.
This disagreement, tho it seems to have been dealt with and handled (I think..), makes me very nervous about talking to him. Yes, I'm the one who got upset, but when I explained it to him he was obviously annoyed with me. I like this boy, a lot. In fact, if he lived here, I'd be willing to throw away the love of my single life for him. He's a guy, he's going to mess up and be a guy. Nothing that I can do about that. But where he's so far away it puts me on eggshells. I dont want to fight with him. I want to get to know him, get comfortable and pray that we get to meet at some point. Since OT isn't available at work anymore, it's almost up to him to come here and see me because it's just not possible for me to save up the $1200 between now and the end of the year.
In short, I feel like the only "wishful prospect" has gone. I know he hasn't, but I've just got a feeling my words may have ruined it all. I'm gonna back off him a little see if he is still interested. He did talk to me last night for an hour or so, but it seemed strained. That could be just me, but we'll have to see where it goes. I really hope that this can be gotten beyond, I really do like him. I'm no longer afraid to say I'm falling for him, because that would be lying. I haven't fallen yet, but I'm certain should he try and pack me in a suitcase I wont fuss as long as he remembers to grab my camera and my wallet. This still scares me a little, I've spent 2 years avoiding guys... but there's just something a little different about him. *sigh* I'm allowed to dream.. shut up.
******
The route home from work has me feeling a little bitter right now. It seems like everywhere I go I see teen moms or young ppl sporting obvious engagement rings. I know that envy is not appealing.. but god dammit! I'm older, I want it too! Gerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Settled
I'm feeling better today. Things got bad, very very bad.. but they've settled out. I'll write more tomorrow...
Change of Heart
I love when things come around and right themselves! No more freaking out for me... having a lil bit of a change of heart from last night. Nothing I hate more than being told something and another happen... totally changes my opinion of someone.
Thanks JP.
if this change of heart is a good thing.. why the hell am I in tears?
****
Now that I've calmed down a little... I dont think I've had a change of heart.. but I am hurt. however, when I went top edit this post I found a post I thought had been lost during a glitch.. I never thought to look in drafts. I wrote this way back in December or January.. and it made me feel bad for being angry with him over something like this (January 10th). Doesn't mean I have to like what happened tonight. Doesn't mean I'm not going to explain to him why I'm upset. Doesn't mean a lot of things. But what it does mean is I think I like him enough to ignore it.
This is why:
"the reason I do not like to like people....
is because things always go wrong. I often wonder why I even bother trying.
I've been avoiding updating my blog because someone has the link, and I do not want to talk about them when they can see it. I save that for private chats with other friends. But after several days of being shunned, I need to get his off of my chest.
Well world, well JP, if you're reading this, you're about to get a good look into my mind. Folks, I like a boy. I like him a lot. I have no FUCKING idea why I like him most of the time, because he can be the biggest prick, asshole, concieted idiot I've ever met. but then I get him privately, and he changes. He's sweet, talented, driven and friendly. However, I've not seen that side of him in almost 2 months. I miss that side of him. I get butterflies when I talk to him, I get sad when he's mean, I cry if he insults me (even if he's picking), I get excited when i see him online.
He doesn't live here, he lives half way across the country and down a little. I'd love to meet him. But right now he's not even talking to me, or to anyone. I keep being told it's not my fault, that he's got issues. Which I don't doubt. However, I'd thought of him as a friend before, and apparenlty that was my problem. Friends don't disappear lie this.
This has left me in a tight spot. Do I wait it out, or do I let it go? I promised another friend I'd give him a week, it's been 3 days and I'm already going crazy! 7 days is going to be next to impossible. I hope he comes around, and at least replies to a message. I really miss him....
and that's all I've got to say for now, I'm sure there will be more.
JP if you're reading this, email me. Even a 'leave me alone' would be helpful right now. I miss you."
Thanks JP.
if this change of heart is a good thing.. why the hell am I in tears?
****
Now that I've calmed down a little... I dont think I've had a change of heart.. but I am hurt. however, when I went top edit this post I found a post I thought had been lost during a glitch.. I never thought to look in drafts. I wrote this way back in December or January.. and it made me feel bad for being angry with him over something like this (January 10th). Doesn't mean I have to like what happened tonight. Doesn't mean I'm not going to explain to him why I'm upset. Doesn't mean a lot of things. But what it does mean is I think I like him enough to ignore it.
This is why:
"the reason I do not like to like people....
is because things always go wrong. I often wonder why I even bother trying.
I've been avoiding updating my blog because someone has the link, and I do not want to talk about them when they can see it. I save that for private chats with other friends. But after several days of being shunned, I need to get his off of my chest.
Well world, well JP, if you're reading this, you're about to get a good look into my mind. Folks, I like a boy. I like him a lot. I have no FUCKING idea why I like him most of the time, because he can be the biggest prick, asshole, concieted idiot I've ever met. but then I get him privately, and he changes. He's sweet, talented, driven and friendly. However, I've not seen that side of him in almost 2 months. I miss that side of him. I get butterflies when I talk to him, I get sad when he's mean, I cry if he insults me (even if he's picking), I get excited when i see him online.
He doesn't live here, he lives half way across the country and down a little. I'd love to meet him. But right now he's not even talking to me, or to anyone. I keep being told it's not my fault, that he's got issues. Which I don't doubt. However, I'd thought of him as a friend before, and apparenlty that was my problem. Friends don't disappear lie this.
This has left me in a tight spot. Do I wait it out, or do I let it go? I promised another friend I'd give him a week, it's been 3 days and I'm already going crazy! 7 days is going to be next to impossible. I hope he comes around, and at least replies to a message. I really miss him....
and that's all I've got to say for now, I'm sure there will be more.
JP if you're reading this, email me. Even a 'leave me alone' would be helpful right now. I miss you."
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Uh oh...
it's happening. I can feel it.
I'm not ready for this. Someone make it stop. Please.. I BEG YOU! I'm having a minor freak out here people! Yes, I know I'm ready for this on one level, but so not ready for it on many other levels!
It needs to happen to him first, it can't be me. It's always me!
I'm not ready for this. Someone make it stop. Please.. I BEG YOU! I'm having a minor freak out here people! Yes, I know I'm ready for this on one level, but so not ready for it on many other levels!
It needs to happen to him first, it can't be me. It's always me!
Friday, May 7, 2010
Early morning tears....
Today did not start off in a good way. Well, in reality it did, I was talking with JP at just after midnight. But once he said good night and I crawled back into bed, the night wasn't so great.
I had a dream last night. It seems like it was my HS graduation or something, I was looking for clothing. Tho the outfit was cute, it was easy to tell from the size alone that I wasn't really me in the dream, or at least not the real me. And really, not even the me I'd like to look like one day.. a lil on the small side. But the main focus of the dream was me trying to be someone I'm not, and my family watching me do it. By the end of the dream I was sitting in the back seat of some old huge car with Dad. He wasn't dad, but the sick old man that we saw last going off. And he just kept looking at me. Like he couldn't figure out who I was at all. I hate these dreams, because they make me realize that I was home so infrequently that he really didn't know who I was anymore. *pout*.
And then I ended up benig smacked with a song on my way to work. I love the song "Open your eyes." by Daughtry, I have since his CD came out. When I acutally listened to the words this morning, for the first time since dad passed away, I cried. Like big tears on my cheeks as I walked to work. This is not the way that I want to start my mornings! Ugh.
So my day started on a high, went down very very low. Hopefully it will come back up a little as the day goes on. If it doesn't, the weekend isn't looking very promising for me!
I had a dream last night. It seems like it was my HS graduation or something, I was looking for clothing. Tho the outfit was cute, it was easy to tell from the size alone that I wasn't really me in the dream, or at least not the real me. And really, not even the me I'd like to look like one day.. a lil on the small side. But the main focus of the dream was me trying to be someone I'm not, and my family watching me do it. By the end of the dream I was sitting in the back seat of some old huge car with Dad. He wasn't dad, but the sick old man that we saw last going off. And he just kept looking at me. Like he couldn't figure out who I was at all. I hate these dreams, because they make me realize that I was home so infrequently that he really didn't know who I was anymore. *pout*.
And then I ended up benig smacked with a song on my way to work. I love the song "Open your eyes." by Daughtry, I have since his CD came out. When I acutally listened to the words this morning, for the first time since dad passed away, I cried. Like big tears on my cheeks as I walked to work. This is not the way that I want to start my mornings! Ugh.
So my day started on a high, went down very very low. Hopefully it will come back up a little as the day goes on. If it doesn't, the weekend isn't looking very promising for me!
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