Day 1 - April 26th 2009

"I can almost see it, that dream I’m dreaming"
~ Miley Cyrus

May as well start the year off with some reflecting. In 11 years I've had 4 relationships, 2 casual encounters and a whole lotta dates. Well, no, not a lotta dates, but enough to keep me sated.

-Scott and I ended things after 5.5 years, I still don't exactly know why, but that's ok. After 5.5 years and not having any dates before him, it was probably a good thing to happen when it did. Gave me a chance to still enjoy the end of my teen years.. though I didn't.

-Matt #1 and I ended things on a sour note, though I don't think we've ever been mad at each for what happened. Accidents do happen, and even to this day I don't blame him for his reaction. He was 21, has just lost his father, was struggling through school and now was facing fatherhood. I don't think I'll ever blame him for it. It's just a shame that the babies didn't make it.

-Matt #2 and I ended things on a very confusing note. I swore I'd never forgive him, because I didn't see the sense in the break up at all. I was angry with him for a long time, however forgiveness eventually came. I guess you could say all is forgotten now, giving all that has happened in the last seven months between us. One day I figure the casual aspect will haunt me, but for now I'm just trying to keep it at bay and move forward with my life.

-Matt #3 and I ended things a year ago. When I'd discovered he still had online dating accounts, and was aquiring new ones while we were living together, I gave him the choice. Them, or me. He chose them and I moved out a week later. I've not forgiven him at all, and it's now been a year. I did not see the sense in it. Probably has a lot to do with his history, which I found out later, and the shitty way he treated me day to day. I'm not sorry to see this relationship go, I just wish it hadn't ended with another baby dying.

There, there's my reflection. I won't reflect on the dates I've been on, I'll just get angry with a few guys who don't deserve it. But in the 4 relationships, I've had and lost my dream twice. Honestly, I can live with out a man, what's what toys are for. But I want a child, I want a piece of me that I can love and nuture and raise. and I've had it within my grasp twice. The twins didn't desreve to die from their bad genes, the other died from my own mistake. It just isn't fair that it has been so close, and then lost.

But I know one day I'll get this dream. Even if I have to do it all on my own, there are ways to do it (no, I'm not going to trick some poor guy into knocking me up.. lol) if need be. But for now, I'm just going to sit back and wait. "Good Things Come To Those Who Wait." I don't know who said it, but fuck, I hope they're right.