Can't get him off my mind....

I'm literally going crazy here! Yes, I think of him a lot. But he has been on my mind all day. All I see are green eyes, blonde hair and a smug smile. I NEED to see that smile in real life, or at least on the webcam. But he's so busy with work that I know it will be Halloween before I talk to him again... let alone see him on the cam! *sniff*

Hinder has always been our thing. I think the band wrong the song Lips of an Angel for the two of us. He was the one who pointed it out to me, it's his kind of music (dark and moody), but not really mind. But I love them! In fact, I've found a few more songs tonight that suit us. But Lips of an angel will always be "our" song. it can't describe us any better (well, it does when I'm in a relationship). more than one night that we've talked on the computer I've been miserable, crying and wishing my life was over. But he's like a new day, a sunrise, he just makes me happier. Until I get upset because he's not here, but that can't be avoided, I'd rather that than being a little girl over a boy who obviously doesn't want me.

But as I sit here, flipping through two Hinder albums, I want to cry. Well, I have cried. I've never missed him this badly, and it hasn't been that long since we've talked, like a week and a half. I know it was the dream that's done it, but I need something to keep me busy so he stays off my mind. My mother just bought a 2nd car, I'm so tempted on a weekend that I know my brothers won't need it to ask to borrow it and take off to see him. It would be stupid, and reckless, but totally worth it. 4 years. 4 years of flirting, teasing, lusting, longing and loving. 4 years is a long time to sit back and watch from afar (literally) and wish and want. I've had 2 failed relationships in that time. Did they fail because they were destined to fail, or because I was in love with someone else the whole time?

Sigh... I guess it's better to cry over someone like this, than to cry over someone who doesn't treat you right in the first place. I have no reason to believe that he wouldn't treat me well. And at least if we were together then we wouldn't be guilty of loving more than one person at the same time.

Right now I'd give my right arm for 10 minutes face to face with him! I want to see those eyes (green or the natural grey, I'll take it!), I want to see his smile, smell his smell, just be close. I'd handle not even touching him, but we all know what wouldn't happen. I think until I've seen him then I'll never be able to move past my rut and date. Right now I just pray that once his job's gone into a bit of a lull that he comes to visit his sister for a weekend. Yes, I've prayed, to God, for this. I don't know why, but since I've never really asked him for much for myself, I figure it's ok. I'll even behave, since he's not single. I just want him here, for a few minutes, or days, so we can figure out what's happening between us.

Two long blog entry's in two days (technically like 12 hours lol), related to him. Maybe if I keep posting about him, writing down my feelings, then I'll be able to make some sense of it... no.. I'll never make sense of it. It's just one of those wild and crazy things that I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. Loving a best friend... can it get any muddier than that?

Sigh, so tonight, for the first time in a long time... I curl up on the bed, to go to sleep, hugging myself tightly. Afraid that if I let go, I'll fall to pieces. And I wait, and wish that he was here..... though I know he never will be.