Early morning tears....

Today did not start off in a good way. Well, in reality it did, I was talking with JP at just after midnight. But once he said good night and I crawled back into bed, the night wasn't so great.

I had a dream last night. It seems like it was my HS graduation or something, I was looking for clothing. Tho the outfit was cute, it was easy to tell from the size alone that I wasn't really me in the dream, or at least not the real me. And really, not even the me I'd like to look like one day.. a lil on the small side. But the main focus of the dream was me trying to be someone I'm not, and my family watching me do it. By the end of the dream I was sitting in the back seat of some old huge car with Dad. He wasn't dad, but the sick old man that we saw last going off. And he just kept looking at me. Like he couldn't figure out who I was at all. I hate these dreams, because they make me realize that I was home so infrequently that he really didn't know who I was anymore. *pout*.

And then I ended up benig smacked with a song on my way to work. I love the song "Open your eyes." by Daughtry, I have since his CD came out. When I acutally listened to the words this morning, for the first time since dad passed away, I cried. Like big tears on my cheeks as I walked to work. This is not the way that I want to start my mornings! Ugh.

So my day started on a high, went down very very low. Hopefully it will come back up a little as the day goes on. If it doesn't, the weekend isn't looking very promising for me!

Communication

When your only forms of readily communication are text messaging and instant messaging, it's no wonder things to awry. Last night was terrible. JP's in a mood cause of work, which I understand. I'm in full blown nightmare PMS, which I think he understands. But this means we're butting heads left and right at a difficult time. It's not that we're mad at each other, we just can't seem to get our points across due to the muddled lines.

But last night was a rough night on me. I understand things are tough at work for him. But, this went back to the early days of us knowing each other where the comments seemed so serious that they were slightly hurtful. I know I'm over sensitive, but I don't like having to read between the lines of things when there are problems. It was so bad that at one point I laid in bed crying because I was so confused. And it didn't help that 2 minutes later my cell phone went off with a text from him. That went on for an hour. It wasn't like I was going to be able to sleep anyways, but the texts were no clearer than the earlier IM convo! *headdesk, headdesk, headdesk* The last text of the night did bring me some peace "I want you here". Oh dear boy, if I could be there, I would be there in a heart beat.

That's the tough part I guess. I want to be there with him or have him here with me. And we just can't. He's got work, I've got work. And now that I've applied for school it's not like I can up and move until next summer even if he asked me to (which I know he wont, but anyways). School tho will give me a diploma in Business Mangement, which means I may actually be able to get a job and function in the world outside of a damn call center! I don't really know what I'll do with the course, but it will open doors for me and I'll actuall get to see what's out there for ppl like me. It will also give me a better leg up in the whole world should I decide to up and leave Canada. Trying to gain entry to any other country, with out an education looks impossible unless you're getting married. And I don't think I'm quite ready for that yet.

Not saying it's not far off. That's my only real reservation for wanting to meet JP. I'm ready to settle. I want to fall in love, get married, have children and be happy for the rest of my life, or however long I'm meant to be happy for. Right now I'm at a stand still. I'm not looking for anyone, because I have the desire to wait and meet him. Not to say I'm going to turn down Mr.Right if he ran me over on the sidewalk, but I'm not actively looking or dating. As far as I know, he's not either.. but I do know he's said he won't make promises that he won't meet someone in the same accidental way described. It gives my life another air of uncertainty. For the moment I'm ok with that. I should start my course on July 7th or so, and it runs for a full 52 weeks. I can't balance work, friends, school and a guy who's demanding my attention out of the house. But after that.. then what?

I'm probably reading a lot more into this whole thing with JP than I need to. But I've been so lonely for so long, I'm ready to allow myself to be jaded for a little while. But maybe I'm not being jaded, because I LIKE him, a lot. Maybe I'm content to sit here and wait a little because it's him that I want, not someone else. Guess I'm just gonna have to be patient.. I'm always in such a rush for things that I ruin them. Someone chain me to the wall and give me a chew toy?

School...

decided to stop putting it all off, and I applied for my Distance Education course. If I can get student loan funding to cover it, I will be staring a Computerized business management course in July. This is exciting!

Feeling...

I find it odd, ironic even, that the girl who wants nothing more than to fall in love, is afraid of feelings. In fact, it can bring me to a fit of giggles that will last for twenty minutes.

I have feelings for JP. There is no doubt about it. He is sweet, and charming, and obviously likes me as much as I like him. But the distance between us puts up a wall for me, one part of me wants to scale, the other part wants me to run and hide behind it so he cannot see me. It brings back a deja vu from Kris, ever tho the situation is different. Kris had Sarah, JP does not have anyone in his life (that he's admitted to anyways lol). Kris was 700km away, JP is 2900km away. Kris was a farm boy, JP is a country boy. The main kicker tho, is the lack of a woman in his life, and this gives me urges, and desires for him that I didn't have for Kris.

Long story made short, I could fall for JP so fast. Fast enough to make me motion sick. He made the comment (in reply to my falling fast comment) the other night "I already have, I'm just waiting to land." I really hate to make assumptions on the things that he says, because that could set me up for a huge crash landing, the bad kind. But he told me last night, that my assumptions are probably correct to start with. Internet relationships, even of the friendship kind are always rocky. There isn't much that can be done about them really, unless someone is willing to take the leap and do something about it. Both of us seem to want to make this leap, it's just not the right time, and it's just not easy!

At this point, I'm not sure if I want to hide the fact that I'm falling for him from him. I have been trying, but I know I sent him a half asleep mail last night about it.
"you... do you have any idea how hard you are making it to not fall absolutely head over heels for you? I've wanted to say that to you for a while now but i was afraid of scaring you off. But as i laid in bed with my heart racing, my chest hurting i realized just how easy it would be to close my eyes and jump. And even though i should be sleeping...i just had to get it out there."
I want to fall for him. He, so far, is exactly what I've been looking for my entire life. I've had issues with age, and type of work, and body size for years.. and tho he doesn't fit into my past "ideals" he is what I want. He is WHO I want. But I'm so afraid to fall for him and for things to go wrong. It would be just my luck to finally give in and let myself fall, and care, and possibly (can't belive I'm gonna say this word) love him, and for things to go insanely wrong. I just dont know if I'm strong enough to handle that anymore.

And it will be my luck when he logs in tonight and says he read all this. It will either scare him away, or make him come closer. I just want this summer and fall to go by faster and for him to come here so I can meet him! I know once I have met him things are only going to get harder, because he will have to go back home, and go back to his normal life. And that's going to tear me up inside, but it will be worth it. So very very worth it.

Fear...

I never thought, when I found someone I truly believed to be Mr. Right.. that I'd be filled with absolute fear over it. My brain automatically jumps back to "all men are awful and will hurt you." even tho I feel deep down that's not the truth.

JP is becoming more open with me each time we talk. It's obvious that the attraction between is us not just physical. Sweet words are exchanged, and desires that have nothing to do with sex. And they absoutely frighten me! Maybe it's partly the distance, maybe it's the fact that nothing lasts more than a few months for me. But I want the feeling to go away! No one has ever treated me like he does. He's sweet, and generous and sexy as hell. I love his accent, his jokes, his compliments. He's everything personality wise that I've been wanting to find my whole life! The easy "click" that we've had is probably what scares me, but the length of time it's taken to get to this point should reassure me.. especially when there are several months left before we finally get to take the plunge and meet.

I just want to wake up and go "I'm ok with this, I love this, I want this." Right now i'm still in the "OMG, what the hell is going on... I want him."

Blogging

I never really thought I'd blog. I'm not an overly private person, I don't mind sharing my thoughts with just about anyone. But if there is going to be a permenant record of them, I kind of like to keep them tucked away between my mattress's where no one can see them. I've Journaled off and on my entire life, and not just when school required me too. There's always been something peaceful about writing my thoughts down on paper, and it's a lot less crazy than talking to myself about them aloud. Even in today's tolerant society, people tend to think you're nuts if you start talking to yourself about things. Not that I can blame them really...

Blogging takes private thoughts and makes them public. Not many follow me, and I'm ok with that really. This is more a place for me than it is for anyone else. But it does allow a few people to keep tabs on me, and my mental state as I go through ups and downs in life. I didn't blog during my dad's death. I do not want my feeling and grief laid out for the whole world to see. I do not want people to worry about me if I sound too down, or too high. When it comes to grieving there is no happy medium really. If you're upset, they worry. If you're happy, they worry. So, rather than inflict worry upon my friends, I kept silent, and I will continue to do so. I have people I can reach out to directly if I need a shoulder to cry on, but so far I really don't need one.

But I'm also not pouring my heart out in my blog. I've been hurt too many times to do that, not when the people or person I'm talking about could read it. People are funny creatures, and since we each interpert things differently it leaves too much space open for problems and misinterpertation. This is something I do not want or need in my life right now. For the most part, I am currently happy. I have a few friends, i have a job, and there is a boy who likes me. At this point in my life... what more can I ask for?

Distance

honestly, nothing bothers me more than distance. It's almost impossible to make something work long term when there's more than a short distance between people. This could be a friendship, or a relationship.. the same logic applies to both.

Yet, I'm stupid enough to try just about anything. I try my hardest to keep communication open with Yum in Australia. Despite the 13 hour time difference, I get up early and stay up late to chat with her for a few minutes. Yeah it makes me more tired and crabby, but it makes me feel good that we chat for a few minutes.

Then there's JP. Oh my word.. that boy has me so smitten with him. I dont know what it is about him, I really dont. He's not my usual type... not tall, stick thin and clean shaven. He's tall, rounder with facial hair... but everytime I look at him I get a big grin and my chest hurts...the good kind of hurt. He made it hurt last night, with 5 simple words "I want to kiss you." I thought my heart stopped for a few seconds.. then I realized I'd been holding my breath. It's been a long time since a boy has caught me like this... well... I almost think I've never been caught quite like this before.

I stayed up too late last night talking to him, that's for sure. When I've got a 6:30am wake up, staying online until 1:30 is probably not a good idea, but I just can't drag myself to bed when he is online. Maybe it's in part because I know he's going to be around less when his net goes, or maybe it's for reasons I do not care to admit publiclly on a blog I know he can find if he wanted to.

So Operation mjp is in full swing. OT has been started at work, money is being stashed away. I will meet this boy, and I will do it this fall. Well, no, I will do it as soon as I absolutely can do it. If that means I work 45 hours a week for the next few months, so be it. I wish I could move sooner rather than later, saving that couple hundred bucks a month would be really handy for this! Once I move, and get the computer paid off, and no extra stupid bills, I could, if the first trip was a success, possily make the trip over every 10 weeks or so. That's a long time to go between seeing someone you like, but it's better than once or twice a year! I've been slightly wary of making this trip in the first place, partly because of all the what if's. But he said to me last night "isn't it worth taking the risk to find out if what's there is someone good" (or that's the jist, I dont have the convo open). Maybe I read too much into it... but it kinda sounds like, just maybe, when I show up.. there's something there.

Oh well... I'm gonna try and not dwell on that too much. Instead, I'm gonna work hard, save some cash.. and if he doesn't want me to come when the time comes.. I'm gonna pick somewhere and go anyways!

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Feeling a little guilty again today. Not so much for the things one would expect tho. Mum and Brandon both have their msn names with RIP dad. I have not put anything up about that since he passed. I mean, I miss him, and I love him.... but I do not feel that I need, or anyone else needs the daily reminder that he's gone. Is this cold hearted? Or just the way I deal with things?