Distance

honestly, nothing bothers me more than distance. It's almost impossible to make something work long term when there's more than a short distance between people. This could be a friendship, or a relationship.. the same logic applies to both.

Yet, I'm stupid enough to try just about anything. I try my hardest to keep communication open with Yum in Australia. Despite the 13 hour time difference, I get up early and stay up late to chat with her for a few minutes. Yeah it makes me more tired and crabby, but it makes me feel good that we chat for a few minutes.

Then there's JP. Oh my word.. that boy has me so smitten with him. I dont know what it is about him, I really dont. He's not my usual type... not tall, stick thin and clean shaven. He's tall, rounder with facial hair... but everytime I look at him I get a big grin and my chest hurts...the good kind of hurt. He made it hurt last night, with 5 simple words "I want to kiss you." I thought my heart stopped for a few seconds.. then I realized I'd been holding my breath. It's been a long time since a boy has caught me like this... well... I almost think I've never been caught quite like this before.

I stayed up too late last night talking to him, that's for sure. When I've got a 6:30am wake up, staying online until 1:30 is probably not a good idea, but I just can't drag myself to bed when he is online. Maybe it's in part because I know he's going to be around less when his net goes, or maybe it's for reasons I do not care to admit publiclly on a blog I know he can find if he wanted to.

So Operation mjp is in full swing. OT has been started at work, money is being stashed away. I will meet this boy, and I will do it this fall. Well, no, I will do it as soon as I absolutely can do it. If that means I work 45 hours a week for the next few months, so be it. I wish I could move sooner rather than later, saving that couple hundred bucks a month would be really handy for this! Once I move, and get the computer paid off, and no extra stupid bills, I could, if the first trip was a success, possily make the trip over every 10 weeks or so. That's a long time to go between seeing someone you like, but it's better than once or twice a year! I've been slightly wary of making this trip in the first place, partly because of all the what if's. But he said to me last night "isn't it worth taking the risk to find out if what's there is someone good" (or that's the jist, I dont have the convo open). Maybe I read too much into it... but it kinda sounds like, just maybe, when I show up.. there's something there.

Oh well... I'm gonna try and not dwell on that too much. Instead, I'm gonna work hard, save some cash.. and if he doesn't want me to come when the time comes.. I'm gonna pick somewhere and go anyways!

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Feeling a little guilty again today. Not so much for the things one would expect tho. Mum and Brandon both have their msn names with RIP dad. I have not put anything up about that since he passed. I mean, I miss him, and I love him.... but I do not feel that I need, or anyone else needs the daily reminder that he's gone. Is this cold hearted? Or just the way I deal with things?