Regret...

I honestly do not have that many things in life that I truly regret. I'm the sort of person that does believe that everything happens for a reason, even if I dont think it's fair. That doesn't necessarily mean I don't wish that things were different relating to certain events.

One thing that I did not think I would have any regrets on was not being there when dad died. I said by goodbyes. I went home, sat in the hospital for almost 24 hours, spent time with my mother and my brothers. He was suffering, he was no longer my dad laying there in that bed. I was peaceful with my decision to go back home and back to work.

But last night I had the most awful dreams about dad. He was sick but he was home, and I was there and I had to watch him suffer the entire time. But in my dream he wasn't sedated and out of it, he was awake and angry. He kept trying to hurt me for abandoning him when he needed me the most. It was the sort of dream that picks back up even if you've woken up and gone back to sleep. I don't like these dreams, and the dream has left me feeling guilty and regretful that I didn't suck up the loss and spend the whole week at home with my mother. I knew when I moved away from home that if anything happened to anyone I would not be right there anymore. I was ok with this, or so I thought.

Now, with thoughts of moving away, of finding love and getting married, no matter how far around the world I have to do it... I begin to doubt whether I can go that far away. I've always been super close to my family, but is the "what if" stronger than the "I want" or "I need"? I hope not! I want to branch out, travel, find someone, find love, settle down. I'm not in a huge rush for it all, but sooner the better! After all I'm not getting any younger!

I just hope these dreams dont persist like this! I honesty do not think I can deal with them more than once. I had them a year after I lost the twins, and they were so stressful I started losing my hair. I'm getting to a destressed point in my life, I really do not want to go back the other way!