Selfish

I should be asleep, but, mom had me on the phone late, and now i'm just not as tired as I was an hour ago.

I'm having a selfish night. Today started out wonderful. I was alert, walked to work, happy day.... and then it all went downhill.

I don't know if I've ever officially mentioned Evony before on here, but it's an online game that I play. I thought, that since I have no life, it would be a good way to keep myself occupied. Well, it's done more than that, and I've made some wonderful online friends. A few have even come off the screen and into a little bit more of the real friend section.

I don't make friends. I have very few because I can't handle the disappointment that they always bring me. In fact, the longest I've ever had a friend that I see all the time and can still half stand, since graduating high school is 3 years. Just happens to be my current roommate. Next would be Gwen, with Jenn trailing cause she moved away on me (borderline my issue with friends).

But then I started playing game. I met Flipflop, Leo, Bart, Urfuct, then Dhead, Kass, Britt, Wayne... then Swif and Yum. A few have become daily staples in my life (Urfuct, Swif, Yum) others have left me (Kass, Dhead, Bart, Leo, Britt) for real life, or other game options. the others are there, just silent.

Today two of my daily staples informed me they will be stepping out. Not because they want to, but because life has gotten in the way. Yum will be moving away for a few months, which means she wont be in game. Because she lives in another time zone, it's already hard for us to talk, now, we just wont. This saddens me, because out of all the people I've ever met, we seem to have a same basic level that's hard to find. Yeah, she's a successful college graduate, and i'm just me... but we clicked. If she does go (it's not set in stone) I'm going to miss her. It's a good opportunity, one she needs.. yet... I don't want her to go.

Next is Urfuct (JP from previous posts). He's leaving his job/being let go. this means (from what I gather) no cell phone, no mobile net card.. nothing. This means I have no means of communication with him. This would be fine, except I like him. And he likes me. The sort of like that has caused travel to be discussed. Now, all that is done. Not only because funds aren't there, but because he's going to MIA for who knows how long. While I can certainly miss him, I'm afraid my affection for him, and his for me will fade. This is terrifying for me.. because I know how deep the affection runs for me. He's told me he adores me, but honestly... I have not met him face to face to see him when he says that... I don't know if my heart is ready to fully believe it. And with that much time, and space, and lack of communication... I'm just afraid.

See, today has been a very selfish day. An emotional, selfish day. I don't do the "me me me me me" thing a lot, I'm not important enough. But damn, especially with JP.... I feel like having one of those moments.

And people wonder why I have no life and no friends? Well folks, this is why. The less people you let in, the less times you can be disappointed when life changes on you.

and since at least Yum will probably read this, and kick my ass tomorrow, I should probably disappear. Tomorrow is day one of overtime for me. Hopefully by the time JP comes back around I'll have worked enough hours to say "I'm coming to visit". Sigh.. I wish that it was tomorrow... :(