Ok, back to my reason for writing. I'm not sure just how many of the people who know me, know that I am a mother. There were very few that knew I was pregnant back home, there are even less who knew I was pregnant a second time. It wasn't that I was hiding it from them, it's just that it happened, got messy and was over in such a short time, less than 30 days. I can still remember when I was considering abortion a family friend taking me in her arms and saying, "you don't do no harm to that baby. You bring her into this world and we will all love her just as we love you. And we will help her and we will help you get through all of this." At first I was offended, because I was still very angry at my body that it would even get pregnant in the first place, but as time wore on, and well after the pregnancy had ended I took comfort in her words. I woudln't have been alone as I'd feared, I would have had the love and support of a very large extended family when the time came.
Maybe I should explain the back story.
Matthew William Roger and Mark Bernard Scott were born into heaven on August 24th 2005 after 9weeks 2 days on this earth. They were concieved, admittedly, by mistake on July 4th 2005. Right from the very start their father did not want them, and after ten days of me refusing abortion we broke up. Not the best time for that to happen, but eh Shit Happens. My first ultrasound was scheduled the first week of August, and it showed the usual fetal pole and sac, no official baby yet. That sort of put me on edge, because I was over 6 weeks at this point. I went back a week later and it showed a baby, heartbeat and all, and a 2nd fetal pole and sac. No fucking way.. TWINS? Yea, as if I wasn't stressed enough with one. My doctor sat me down and explained the ultrasounds. We'd talked abortion in the first appointment I'd had. She told me that the techs wanted more scans, because the babies were SERIOUSLY behind schedule for my LMP and the only weekend they could have been conceived on. Along with my blood work being out of whack, spotting from the date of confirmation, and the techs opinion, she did not think it was a viable pregnancy. She recomended termination.
The day my pregnancy with them ended another ultrasound confirmed her suspicions. The baby with the heartbeat no longer had one, and the other's was in the 60bmp range. MUCH too slow for a 9 week baby. To complicate matters, they shared one placenta, they were identical. The sided with my doctor's opinion, and my pregnancy ended. I found out, almost three years later, that both babies had a chromosomal disorder known as Trisomy 8 complete. They were doomed from the moment conception happened.
Mattie Anne was born into heaven on April 7th 2008 after a very rocky and confusing 8 weeks on this earth. Like my first pregnancy, it was unplanned, I was even using birth control. Her father, like her brothers, wanted absolutely nothing to do with her. Her story is slightly different though. I got a positive pregnancy test on March 9th 2008, and proceeded to start my period the following day. I assumed it was a chemical pregnancy and let it slide. However, I felt off through the following month, and he insisted I test again. He left on a trip for work on the Saturday before she was lost, and I promised I'd test Monday morning. Which I did, and it was a very faint positive. No darker than the month before. An hour later, as I was preparing to leave for a doctor's appointment a sharp pain hit me and I knew exactly what was happening.
ten minutes later I prepared the tiny, yet perfectly formed body of my daughter for the trip to Halifax. I wanted to know why she'd died. Only four days later, rather fast I had thought, I was told that the baby I'd taken for testing was a little girl, perfectly formed for 8 weeks gestation, and there was absolutly nothing wrong with her genetically. however, she had a very small mass of what should have been her placenta, and even less lining attached. Their conclusion was the birth control had thinned my lining (whcih would make sense, because my periods were lighter), making it impossible for a proper placenta to form and she hadn't been able to survive. It didn't help that I'd actually hand a period and robbed her of part of that lining after implantation, stupid Nuva Ring.
So there you have it, the short, but very sweet stories of my children. Their story isn't unique, in fact It would shock the general public to see just how many miscarriages happen, and how many women have multiple ones. Some with no viable pregnancys, others with many.
But regardless, these women, like me, are mothers. So if you know anyone who's had a miscarriage, or a stillbirth, or lost a baby or a child, remember... Just because our children are not here in our arms with us on Mother's Day, does not make us any less of a mother. No loss is a little loss. So to all my Pregnancy Loss Ladies that may happen across this today: Remember, we are mothers, and we love our babies, and today, is our day too.
Hugs and Much Love,
Ashley
and my angels Matthew, Mark and Mattie
I would hope that you would never doubt for one second that you are not a mother! You are a mother. Just because your babies are in Heaven does not mean that you stop caring about them, thinking about them, worrying about them and loving them. That is what being a mother is all about. Happy (belated) Mother's Day to you Ashley!
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