so much has happened in the last few weeks. Dad got sick, I went home, came back, dad died, I went home.. now i'm back.
And I'm sad about it? Something about being home was peaceful and happy. Now i'm here and I'm lonely and sad.
Doesn't help that my crush on JP (see previous entry for me being pissed at him) has gotten worse. I've actually gotten to speak to him, like on the phone, and he's just perfect. He'd disagree, and will probably shoot me if he finds this, but I adore him. It's been a few days since we've talked and I miss him. he's busy, and I get that.. but doesn't help me not miss him.
Now i'm going to go back and sulk... just feel all blah
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
The little things....
It's amazing how the little things change how you a view a person.
Perhaps it's my own fault. I've done it again, the whole, can't have them thing. But that doesn't mean my feelings don't matter.. and little things shouldn't result in that.
If you read this, maybe you'll know who you are.
Perhaps it's my own fault. I've done it again, the whole, can't have them thing. But that doesn't mean my feelings don't matter.. and little things shouldn't result in that.
If you read this, maybe you'll know who you are.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Can't get him off my mind....
I'm literally going crazy here! Yes, I think of him a lot. But he has been on my mind all day. All I see are green eyes, blonde hair and a smug smile. I NEED to see that smile in real life, or at least on the webcam. But he's so busy with work that I know it will be Halloween before I talk to him again... let alone see him on the cam! *sniff*
Hinder has always been our thing. I think the band wrong the song Lips of an Angel for the two of us. He was the one who pointed it out to me, it's his kind of music (dark and moody), but not really mind. But I love them! In fact, I've found a few more songs tonight that suit us. But Lips of an angel will always be "our" song. it can't describe us any better (well, it does when I'm in a relationship). more than one night that we've talked on the computer I've been miserable, crying and wishing my life was over. But he's like a new day, a sunrise, he just makes me happier. Until I get upset because he's not here, but that can't be avoided, I'd rather that than being a little girl over a boy who obviously doesn't want me.
But as I sit here, flipping through two Hinder albums, I want to cry. Well, I have cried. I've never missed him this badly, and it hasn't been that long since we've talked, like a week and a half. I know it was the dream that's done it, but I need something to keep me busy so he stays off my mind. My mother just bought a 2nd car, I'm so tempted on a weekend that I know my brothers won't need it to ask to borrow it and take off to see him. It would be stupid, and reckless, but totally worth it. 4 years. 4 years of flirting, teasing, lusting, longing and loving. 4 years is a long time to sit back and watch from afar (literally) and wish and want. I've had 2 failed relationships in that time. Did they fail because they were destined to fail, or because I was in love with someone else the whole time?
Sigh... I guess it's better to cry over someone like this, than to cry over someone who doesn't treat you right in the first place. I have no reason to believe that he wouldn't treat me well. And at least if we were together then we wouldn't be guilty of loving more than one person at the same time.
Right now I'd give my right arm for 10 minutes face to face with him! I want to see those eyes (green or the natural grey, I'll take it!), I want to see his smile, smell his smell, just be close. I'd handle not even touching him, but we all know what wouldn't happen. I think until I've seen him then I'll never be able to move past my rut and date. Right now I just pray that once his job's gone into a bit of a lull that he comes to visit his sister for a weekend. Yes, I've prayed, to God, for this. I don't know why, but since I've never really asked him for much for myself, I figure it's ok. I'll even behave, since he's not single. I just want him here, for a few minutes, or days, so we can figure out what's happening between us.
Two long blog entry's in two days (technically like 12 hours lol), related to him. Maybe if I keep posting about him, writing down my feelings, then I'll be able to make some sense of it... no.. I'll never make sense of it. It's just one of those wild and crazy things that I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. Loving a best friend... can it get any muddier than that?
Sigh, so tonight, for the first time in a long time... I curl up on the bed, to go to sleep, hugging myself tightly. Afraid that if I let go, I'll fall to pieces. And I wait, and wish that he was here..... though I know he never will be.
Hinder has always been our thing. I think the band wrong the song Lips of an Angel for the two of us. He was the one who pointed it out to me, it's his kind of music (dark and moody), but not really mind. But I love them! In fact, I've found a few more songs tonight that suit us. But Lips of an angel will always be "our" song. it can't describe us any better (well, it does when I'm in a relationship). more than one night that we've talked on the computer I've been miserable, crying and wishing my life was over. But he's like a new day, a sunrise, he just makes me happier. Until I get upset because he's not here, but that can't be avoided, I'd rather that than being a little girl over a boy who obviously doesn't want me.
But as I sit here, flipping through two Hinder albums, I want to cry. Well, I have cried. I've never missed him this badly, and it hasn't been that long since we've talked, like a week and a half. I know it was the dream that's done it, but I need something to keep me busy so he stays off my mind. My mother just bought a 2nd car, I'm so tempted on a weekend that I know my brothers won't need it to ask to borrow it and take off to see him. It would be stupid, and reckless, but totally worth it. 4 years. 4 years of flirting, teasing, lusting, longing and loving. 4 years is a long time to sit back and watch from afar (literally) and wish and want. I've had 2 failed relationships in that time. Did they fail because they were destined to fail, or because I was in love with someone else the whole time?
Sigh... I guess it's better to cry over someone like this, than to cry over someone who doesn't treat you right in the first place. I have no reason to believe that he wouldn't treat me well. And at least if we were together then we wouldn't be guilty of loving more than one person at the same time.
Right now I'd give my right arm for 10 minutes face to face with him! I want to see those eyes (green or the natural grey, I'll take it!), I want to see his smile, smell his smell, just be close. I'd handle not even touching him, but we all know what wouldn't happen. I think until I've seen him then I'll never be able to move past my rut and date. Right now I just pray that once his job's gone into a bit of a lull that he comes to visit his sister for a weekend. Yes, I've prayed, to God, for this. I don't know why, but since I've never really asked him for much for myself, I figure it's ok. I'll even behave, since he's not single. I just want him here, for a few minutes, or days, so we can figure out what's happening between us.
Two long blog entry's in two days (technically like 12 hours lol), related to him. Maybe if I keep posting about him, writing down my feelings, then I'll be able to make some sense of it... no.. I'll never make sense of it. It's just one of those wild and crazy things that I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. Loving a best friend... can it get any muddier than that?
Sigh, so tonight, for the first time in a long time... I curl up on the bed, to go to sleep, hugging myself tightly. Afraid that if I let go, I'll fall to pieces. And I wait, and wish that he was here..... though I know he never will be.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
So long So long...
it's been so long since I've updated. Tho, not much has transpired. I went on vacation, came home, cut off all my hair, decided I wanted to date, decided I didn't want to date, ticked off a very close friend of mine and got knocked on my ass my a 3 day migraine.
The only reason I'm even sitting down to write, is because I feel compelled to write down bits and pieces of my dream last night. Have you ever had a dream that you didn't want to wake up from because it would ruin the "perfect" dream? Well, despite some odd additions to life in said dream, I would absolutely love for my dream to come true and stay true.
What would you do if you woke up at home (in my case was my parents old house) with the love of your life and his family landscaping the home, doing the grass etc? Get super excited of course. But when you don't get to talk to him, after not having seen him for years, your heart would break. That's what happened, it wasn't until they pulled away was I able to get myself in his line of vision. Even now, awake and aware, I can still feel the desperation in my chest that I felt in my dream. I wanted him, he was there, his green eyes sparkling and I couldn't even move. He blew me a kiss, mouthed "I love you" and they rounded the corner.
I don't know exactly what transpired in the next moment or two, I think a craft fair distracted the women in the family and they were stopped. And as I rounded the corner the truck was there, stopped and he was waiting for me with his arms wide open. I'm not sure I've ever been in those arms in the first place, but all I know is if when I do get inside them they feel as right as they did in my dream.. I'm not letting him go. I'll move to the boonies and fight for him if I fucking well have to.
But this was the sweetest dream I've ever had. I absolutely blame it on the fact I was reading Eclipse before I went to bed, but oh freaking well I'll take it. Beautiful green eyes (grey around his pupil, indicating they are contacts), his low whispered voice, rough facial hair as it nuzzled my cheek and neck, his long fingers as they twined with mine, holding be close, brushing my cheek, winding in my hair. I've never once been treated like that in real life, so it's only natural that I would desire it in a dream. But, I know with out a doubt, that this person would act in this way if he ever saw me, because that is who he is.
In the dream he watched me singlehandedly wrangle his sister's children. An out of control 6 year old and a beautiful 9 month old. I don't dream about babies, not ones I touch anyways. But in this dream this little guy fit snugly against my hip, melding perfectly. I must have had sugar on my thumb, because he kept sucking on it. His eyes were like liquid emeralds as he watched me not only interact with both kids (whom I had perfect control over) and still never let go of me. He watched me, never letting but, but always keeping something at a slight distance. He knew he would have to say good bye and go home with his family. At one point I walked up to my mother, who is sitting with his family and she tells me that he's brought her a note, and vanished. I read the note, written in clear writing on a bottle.. in French. Jerk, he knows I can't read French, I'm not even positive he can! I got enough out of it to know he'd disappeared prematurely so he wouldn't have to say goodbye to me. He'd rather remember the hugs, quick kisses, touches and smiles that he'd gotten in the last hour than a tearful goodbye.
I stood there, clutching his Nephew, tears on my cheeks feeling like my world, which had been perfectly right moments before, had now been ripped apart and shattered.
I woke up crying, but that an odd sense of peace in my chest. I need to see him. I can't wait another 4 years. I don't know how I'm going to manage it, but if he doesn't come here to visit his sister this fall/winter, I'm going to him. I'll drag Gwen to Kintore if I have to! He'd come see me there, he wouldn't be able to NOT come see me if I was that close. I don't need my dream to happen, I just want one more chance to look into those green eyes, and a chance to wrap my arms around his body and hold him close. That would keep me happy for the rest of my life I think.... yeah, it would.
No more Bella and Edward before bed I think... gives me "nightmares". Sigh.. I just want my own Edward, is that so much to ask for?
The only reason I'm even sitting down to write, is because I feel compelled to write down bits and pieces of my dream last night. Have you ever had a dream that you didn't want to wake up from because it would ruin the "perfect" dream? Well, despite some odd additions to life in said dream, I would absolutely love for my dream to come true and stay true.
What would you do if you woke up at home (in my case was my parents old house) with the love of your life and his family landscaping the home, doing the grass etc? Get super excited of course. But when you don't get to talk to him, after not having seen him for years, your heart would break. That's what happened, it wasn't until they pulled away was I able to get myself in his line of vision. Even now, awake and aware, I can still feel the desperation in my chest that I felt in my dream. I wanted him, he was there, his green eyes sparkling and I couldn't even move. He blew me a kiss, mouthed "I love you" and they rounded the corner.
I don't know exactly what transpired in the next moment or two, I think a craft fair distracted the women in the family and they were stopped. And as I rounded the corner the truck was there, stopped and he was waiting for me with his arms wide open. I'm not sure I've ever been in those arms in the first place, but all I know is if when I do get inside them they feel as right as they did in my dream.. I'm not letting him go. I'll move to the boonies and fight for him if I fucking well have to.
But this was the sweetest dream I've ever had. I absolutely blame it on the fact I was reading Eclipse before I went to bed, but oh freaking well I'll take it. Beautiful green eyes (grey around his pupil, indicating they are contacts), his low whispered voice, rough facial hair as it nuzzled my cheek and neck, his long fingers as they twined with mine, holding be close, brushing my cheek, winding in my hair. I've never once been treated like that in real life, so it's only natural that I would desire it in a dream. But, I know with out a doubt, that this person would act in this way if he ever saw me, because that is who he is.
In the dream he watched me singlehandedly wrangle his sister's children. An out of control 6 year old and a beautiful 9 month old. I don't dream about babies, not ones I touch anyways. But in this dream this little guy fit snugly against my hip, melding perfectly. I must have had sugar on my thumb, because he kept sucking on it. His eyes were like liquid emeralds as he watched me not only interact with both kids (whom I had perfect control over) and still never let go of me. He watched me, never letting but, but always keeping something at a slight distance. He knew he would have to say good bye and go home with his family. At one point I walked up to my mother, who is sitting with his family and she tells me that he's brought her a note, and vanished. I read the note, written in clear writing on a bottle.. in French. Jerk, he knows I can't read French, I'm not even positive he can! I got enough out of it to know he'd disappeared prematurely so he wouldn't have to say goodbye to me. He'd rather remember the hugs, quick kisses, touches and smiles that he'd gotten in the last hour than a tearful goodbye.
I stood there, clutching his Nephew, tears on my cheeks feeling like my world, which had been perfectly right moments before, had now been ripped apart and shattered.
I woke up crying, but that an odd sense of peace in my chest. I need to see him. I can't wait another 4 years. I don't know how I'm going to manage it, but if he doesn't come here to visit his sister this fall/winter, I'm going to him. I'll drag Gwen to Kintore if I have to! He'd come see me there, he wouldn't be able to NOT come see me if I was that close. I don't need my dream to happen, I just want one more chance to look into those green eyes, and a chance to wrap my arms around his body and hold him close. That would keep me happy for the rest of my life I think.... yeah, it would.
No more Bella and Edward before bed I think... gives me "nightmares". Sigh.. I just want my own Edward, is that so much to ask for?
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Wow I suck at this blogging thing...
Over a month since my last update! OUCH.
Well, I've had a complete mental break down in the last two weeks, and we've yet to figure out why. I stopped my birth control and my antidepressant (only used for sleep, not mood modification) and I have noticed SOME change..but I'm still not Ashley and it's irritating.
The good news is I have hit yet another goal in my weight loss. I took my measurements yesterday and I came out at:
July 15th - 164lbs this is an all around YAY week!
Stomach: 36"
Hips: 40"
Top Bulge: 34.25"
Bottom Bulge: 40"
I have manged to lose 2" off my stomach in less than 2 months! And I'm down 1.75" on the bulge that is above my belly button. I need to start doing some crunches or something so I can see some more results!
I hurt my right leg, and I dont know how. But shhh... at this point I don't know how the fuck I'm going to Drive Monday when we leave for vacation. ugh. I've tried wrapping it, rubbing it, using A535 on it... sigh... stupid flip flops!
Alright, I've whined enough, I now need to get off my ass, and do some cleaning and shit. This is my last day off before my trip and there is some stuff I need to hunt down so I can get it tossed in the suitcase!
Hopefully when I get back, I don't report I gained 40lbs. LOL.
Well, I've had a complete mental break down in the last two weeks, and we've yet to figure out why. I stopped my birth control and my antidepressant (only used for sleep, not mood modification) and I have noticed SOME change..but I'm still not Ashley and it's irritating.
The good news is I have hit yet another goal in my weight loss. I took my measurements yesterday and I came out at:
July 15th - 164lbs this is an all around YAY week!
Stomach: 36"
Hips: 40"
Top Bulge: 34.25"
Bottom Bulge: 40"
I have manged to lose 2" off my stomach in less than 2 months! And I'm down 1.75" on the bulge that is above my belly button. I need to start doing some crunches or something so I can see some more results!
I hurt my right leg, and I dont know how. But shhh... at this point I don't know how the fuck I'm going to Drive Monday when we leave for vacation. ugh. I've tried wrapping it, rubbing it, using A535 on it... sigh... stupid flip flops!
Alright, I've whined enough, I now need to get off my ass, and do some cleaning and shit. This is my last day off before my trip and there is some stuff I need to hunt down so I can get it tossed in the suitcase!
Hopefully when I get back, I don't report I gained 40lbs. LOL.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Being fat....
Getting pretty annoyed with looking and feeling fat. For what ever reason I decided to try on my goal jeans yesterday. Not only could I do them up, not only could I walk and sit comfortable in them, but they look better than my current pair. So then, I tear off the jeans and tank and pull on my evening dress, which I'd like the opportunity to wear again and look sexy in. Ok, it slides up and down easy, boobs look great.... ok, maybe I am seeing some changes and not realizing it!
I got two Pilates video's (one's a bit old, I like the Pilates for Dummies one) and two of the 5 Carmen Electra Strippertease Aerobics videos. Tried the Pilates, and for the first time I found something I can't do. Which really hurt my feelings... not to mention my neck (and I was in the perfect position too! So today (despite having a fever) I'm going to try the stripper tease video. The ones I have are just her cardio warm up, which has both her and the trainer sweating... so it can't hurt to try right?
I'm aiming to do 2000 minutes over the next ten or 12 weeks. That's less than an hour 3x a week (on top of my walking) so we'll see which goal I reach first in my sig, my distance, or my time!
I skipped my measure in this week. My period is here in full force and I can feel and see that I am very bloated. Gonna pound back the water today to see if I can fix that!
I got two Pilates video's (one's a bit old, I like the Pilates for Dummies one) and two of the 5 Carmen Electra Strippertease Aerobics videos. Tried the Pilates, and for the first time I found something I can't do. Which really hurt my feelings... not to mention my neck (and I was in the perfect position too! So today (despite having a fever) I'm going to try the stripper tease video. The ones I have are just her cardio warm up, which has both her and the trainer sweating... so it can't hurt to try right?
I'm aiming to do 2000 minutes over the next ten or 12 weeks. That's less than an hour 3x a week (on top of my walking) so we'll see which goal I reach first in my sig, my distance, or my time!
I skipped my measure in this week. My period is here in full force and I can feel and see that I am very bloated. Gonna pound back the water today to see if I can fix that!
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
There's just something peaceful....
About a nice long walk in the evening with a good friend. Chris and I walked down to Dairy Queen and back tonight, and it was so nice. And I don't mean the ice cream. LOL.
I need more casual downtime in my life. Just time to stop and relax. Sure the stress of my life has been cut down to a small fraction of what it had been before I moved out, but there is still some that I would like to get rid of.
I'm debating between yoga and meditation. I don't think I have the discipline for meditation, but I may for yoga. I've got the links for it on the computer, I just need to clean the rest of my room so I have the floor space for it. I think I'll start with the corpse pose... bet I fall asleep. LOL
I need more casual downtime in my life. Just time to stop and relax. Sure the stress of my life has been cut down to a small fraction of what it had been before I moved out, but there is still some that I would like to get rid of.
I'm debating between yoga and meditation. I don't think I have the discipline for meditation, but I may for yoga. I've got the links for it on the computer, I just need to clean the rest of my room so I have the floor space for it. I think I'll start with the corpse pose... bet I fall asleep. LOL
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
