Regret...

I honestly do not have that many things in life that I truly regret. I'm the sort of person that does believe that everything happens for a reason, even if I dont think it's fair. That doesn't necessarily mean I don't wish that things were different relating to certain events.

One thing that I did not think I would have any regrets on was not being there when dad died. I said by goodbyes. I went home, sat in the hospital for almost 24 hours, spent time with my mother and my brothers. He was suffering, he was no longer my dad laying there in that bed. I was peaceful with my decision to go back home and back to work.

But last night I had the most awful dreams about dad. He was sick but he was home, and I was there and I had to watch him suffer the entire time. But in my dream he wasn't sedated and out of it, he was awake and angry. He kept trying to hurt me for abandoning him when he needed me the most. It was the sort of dream that picks back up even if you've woken up and gone back to sleep. I don't like these dreams, and the dream has left me feeling guilty and regretful that I didn't suck up the loss and spend the whole week at home with my mother. I knew when I moved away from home that if anything happened to anyone I would not be right there anymore. I was ok with this, or so I thought.

Now, with thoughts of moving away, of finding love and getting married, no matter how far around the world I have to do it... I begin to doubt whether I can go that far away. I've always been super close to my family, but is the "what if" stronger than the "I want" or "I need"? I hope not! I want to branch out, travel, find someone, find love, settle down. I'm not in a huge rush for it all, but sooner the better! After all I'm not getting any younger!

I just hope these dreams dont persist like this! I honesty do not think I can deal with them more than once. I had them a year after I lost the twins, and they were so stressful I started losing my hair. I'm getting to a destressed point in my life, I really do not want to go back the other way!

Day after...

Well almost 24 hours has elapsed since my utter break down.. and yet.. I don't really feel much better.

I guess I probably have my hopes up for something that will never come to fruition. I mean, he's 3000km away, 2 time zones different... and just a little out of my reach. That doesn't mean I'm going to enjoy it all right now, but in reality what chance do I have of ever actually getting him?

I've been listening to a semi new artist named Orianthi. She's an aussie, played with Michael Jackson. And I really like her lyrics. They hit home for me.

But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible,
he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you.

and that's just one. But Sigh... back to the whole... out of reach topic. I guess this is going to turn into a bunch of posts whining about JP.

Selfish

I should be asleep, but, mom had me on the phone late, and now i'm just not as tired as I was an hour ago.

I'm having a selfish night. Today started out wonderful. I was alert, walked to work, happy day.... and then it all went downhill.

I don't know if I've ever officially mentioned Evony before on here, but it's an online game that I play. I thought, that since I have no life, it would be a good way to keep myself occupied. Well, it's done more than that, and I've made some wonderful online friends. A few have even come off the screen and into a little bit more of the real friend section.

I don't make friends. I have very few because I can't handle the disappointment that they always bring me. In fact, the longest I've ever had a friend that I see all the time and can still half stand, since graduating high school is 3 years. Just happens to be my current roommate. Next would be Gwen, with Jenn trailing cause she moved away on me (borderline my issue with friends).

But then I started playing game. I met Flipflop, Leo, Bart, Urfuct, then Dhead, Kass, Britt, Wayne... then Swif and Yum. A few have become daily staples in my life (Urfuct, Swif, Yum) others have left me (Kass, Dhead, Bart, Leo, Britt) for real life, or other game options. the others are there, just silent.

Today two of my daily staples informed me they will be stepping out. Not because they want to, but because life has gotten in the way. Yum will be moving away for a few months, which means she wont be in game. Because she lives in another time zone, it's already hard for us to talk, now, we just wont. This saddens me, because out of all the people I've ever met, we seem to have a same basic level that's hard to find. Yeah, she's a successful college graduate, and i'm just me... but we clicked. If she does go (it's not set in stone) I'm going to miss her. It's a good opportunity, one she needs.. yet... I don't want her to go.

Next is Urfuct (JP from previous posts). He's leaving his job/being let go. this means (from what I gather) no cell phone, no mobile net card.. nothing. This means I have no means of communication with him. This would be fine, except I like him. And he likes me. The sort of like that has caused travel to be discussed. Now, all that is done. Not only because funds aren't there, but because he's going to MIA for who knows how long. While I can certainly miss him, I'm afraid my affection for him, and his for me will fade. This is terrifying for me.. because I know how deep the affection runs for me. He's told me he adores me, but honestly... I have not met him face to face to see him when he says that... I don't know if my heart is ready to fully believe it. And with that much time, and space, and lack of communication... I'm just afraid.

See, today has been a very selfish day. An emotional, selfish day. I don't do the "me me me me me" thing a lot, I'm not important enough. But damn, especially with JP.... I feel like having one of those moments.

And people wonder why I have no life and no friends? Well folks, this is why. The less people you let in, the less times you can be disappointed when life changes on you.

and since at least Yum will probably read this, and kick my ass tomorrow, I should probably disappear. Tomorrow is day one of overtime for me. Hopefully by the time JP comes back around I'll have worked enough hours to say "I'm coming to visit". Sigh.. I wish that it was tomorrow... :(

Confused

so much has happened in the last few weeks. Dad got sick, I went home, came back, dad died, I went home.. now i'm back.

And I'm sad about it? Something about being home was peaceful and happy. Now i'm here and I'm lonely and sad.

Doesn't help that my crush on JP (see previous entry for me being pissed at him) has gotten worse. I've actually gotten to speak to him, like on the phone, and he's just perfect. He'd disagree, and will probably shoot me if he finds this, but I adore him. It's been a few days since we've talked and I miss him. he's busy, and I get that.. but doesn't help me not miss him.

Now i'm going to go back and sulk... just feel all blah

The little things....

It's amazing how the little things change how you a view a person.

Perhaps it's my own fault. I've done it again, the whole, can't have them thing. But that doesn't mean my feelings don't matter.. and little things shouldn't result in that.

If you read this, maybe you'll know who you are.

Can't get him off my mind....

I'm literally going crazy here! Yes, I think of him a lot. But he has been on my mind all day. All I see are green eyes, blonde hair and a smug smile. I NEED to see that smile in real life, or at least on the webcam. But he's so busy with work that I know it will be Halloween before I talk to him again... let alone see him on the cam! *sniff*

Hinder has always been our thing. I think the band wrong the song Lips of an Angel for the two of us. He was the one who pointed it out to me, it's his kind of music (dark and moody), but not really mind. But I love them! In fact, I've found a few more songs tonight that suit us. But Lips of an angel will always be "our" song. it can't describe us any better (well, it does when I'm in a relationship). more than one night that we've talked on the computer I've been miserable, crying and wishing my life was over. But he's like a new day, a sunrise, he just makes me happier. Until I get upset because he's not here, but that can't be avoided, I'd rather that than being a little girl over a boy who obviously doesn't want me.

But as I sit here, flipping through two Hinder albums, I want to cry. Well, I have cried. I've never missed him this badly, and it hasn't been that long since we've talked, like a week and a half. I know it was the dream that's done it, but I need something to keep me busy so he stays off my mind. My mother just bought a 2nd car, I'm so tempted on a weekend that I know my brothers won't need it to ask to borrow it and take off to see him. It would be stupid, and reckless, but totally worth it. 4 years. 4 years of flirting, teasing, lusting, longing and loving. 4 years is a long time to sit back and watch from afar (literally) and wish and want. I've had 2 failed relationships in that time. Did they fail because they were destined to fail, or because I was in love with someone else the whole time?

Sigh... I guess it's better to cry over someone like this, than to cry over someone who doesn't treat you right in the first place. I have no reason to believe that he wouldn't treat me well. And at least if we were together then we wouldn't be guilty of loving more than one person at the same time.

Right now I'd give my right arm for 10 minutes face to face with him! I want to see those eyes (green or the natural grey, I'll take it!), I want to see his smile, smell his smell, just be close. I'd handle not even touching him, but we all know what wouldn't happen. I think until I've seen him then I'll never be able to move past my rut and date. Right now I just pray that once his job's gone into a bit of a lull that he comes to visit his sister for a weekend. Yes, I've prayed, to God, for this. I don't know why, but since I've never really asked him for much for myself, I figure it's ok. I'll even behave, since he's not single. I just want him here, for a few minutes, or days, so we can figure out what's happening between us.

Two long blog entry's in two days (technically like 12 hours lol), related to him. Maybe if I keep posting about him, writing down my feelings, then I'll be able to make some sense of it... no.. I'll never make sense of it. It's just one of those wild and crazy things that I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. Loving a best friend... can it get any muddier than that?

Sigh, so tonight, for the first time in a long time... I curl up on the bed, to go to sleep, hugging myself tightly. Afraid that if I let go, I'll fall to pieces. And I wait, and wish that he was here..... though I know he never will be.

So long So long...

it's been so long since I've updated. Tho, not much has transpired. I went on vacation, came home, cut off all my hair, decided I wanted to date, decided I didn't want to date, ticked off a very close friend of mine and got knocked on my ass my a 3 day migraine.


The only reason I'm even sitting down to write, is because I feel compelled to write down bits and pieces of my dream last night. Have you ever had a dream that you didn't want to wake up from because it would ruin the "perfect" dream? Well, despite some odd additions to life in said dream, I would absolutely love for my dream to come true and stay true.

What would you do if you woke up at home (in my case was my parents old house) with the love of your life and his family landscaping the home, doing the grass etc? Get super excited of course. But when you don't get to talk to him, after not having seen him for years, your heart would break. That's what happened, it wasn't until they pulled away was I able to get myself in his line of vision. Even now, awake and aware, I can still feel the desperation in my chest that I felt in my dream. I wanted him, he was there, his green eyes sparkling and I couldn't even move. He blew me a kiss, mouthed "I love you" and they rounded the corner.

I don't know exactly what transpired in the next moment or two, I think a craft fair distracted the women in the family and they were stopped. And as I rounded the corner the truck was there, stopped and he was waiting for me with his arms wide open. I'm not sure I've ever been in those arms in the first place, but all I know is if when I do get inside them they feel as right as they did in my dream.. I'm not letting him go. I'll move to the boonies and fight for him if I fucking well have to.

But this was the sweetest dream I've ever had. I absolutely blame it on the fact I was reading Eclipse before I went to bed, but oh freaking well I'll take it. Beautiful green eyes (grey around his pupil, indicating they are contacts), his low whispered voice, rough facial hair as it nuzzled my cheek and neck, his long fingers as they twined with mine, holding be close, brushing my cheek, winding in my hair. I've never once been treated like that in real life, so it's only natural that I would desire it in a dream. But, I know with out a doubt, that this person would act in this way if he ever saw me, because that is who he is.

In the dream he watched me singlehandedly wrangle his sister's children. An out of control 6 year old and a beautiful 9 month old. I don't dream about babies, not ones I touch anyways. But in this dream this little guy fit snugly against my hip, melding perfectly. I must have had sugar on my thumb, because he kept sucking on it. His eyes were like liquid emeralds as he watched me not only interact with both kids (whom I had perfect control over) and still never let go of me. He watched me, never letting but, but always keeping something at a slight distance. He knew he would have to say good bye and go home with his family. At one point I walked up to my mother, who is sitting with his family and she tells me that he's brought her a note, and vanished. I read the note, written in clear writing on a bottle.. in French. Jerk, he knows I can't read French, I'm not even positive he can! I got enough out of it to know he'd disappeared prematurely so he wouldn't have to say goodbye to me. He'd rather remember the hugs, quick kisses, touches and smiles that he'd gotten in the last hour than a tearful goodbye.

I stood there, clutching his Nephew, tears on my cheeks feeling like my world, which had been perfectly right moments before, had now been ripped apart and shattered.

I woke up crying, but that an odd sense of peace in my chest. I need to see him. I can't wait another 4 years. I don't know how I'm going to manage it, but if he doesn't come here to visit his sister this fall/winter, I'm going to him. I'll drag Gwen to Kintore if I have to! He'd come see me there, he wouldn't be able to NOT come see me if I was that close. I don't need my dream to happen, I just want one more chance to look into those green eyes, and a chance to wrap my arms around his body and hold him close. That would keep me happy for the rest of my life I think.... yeah, it would.


No more Bella and Edward before bed I think... gives me "nightmares". Sigh.. I just want my own Edward, is that so much to ask for?