It's amazing how the little things change how you a view a person.
Perhaps it's my own fault. I've done it again, the whole, can't have them thing. But that doesn't mean my feelings don't matter.. and little things shouldn't result in that.
If you read this, maybe you'll know who you are.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
Can't get him off my mind....
I'm literally going crazy here! Yes, I think of him a lot. But he has been on my mind all day. All I see are green eyes, blonde hair and a smug smile. I NEED to see that smile in real life, or at least on the webcam. But he's so busy with work that I know it will be Halloween before I talk to him again... let alone see him on the cam! *sniff*
Hinder has always been our thing. I think the band wrong the song Lips of an Angel for the two of us. He was the one who pointed it out to me, it's his kind of music (dark and moody), but not really mind. But I love them! In fact, I've found a few more songs tonight that suit us. But Lips of an angel will always be "our" song. it can't describe us any better (well, it does when I'm in a relationship). more than one night that we've talked on the computer I've been miserable, crying and wishing my life was over. But he's like a new day, a sunrise, he just makes me happier. Until I get upset because he's not here, but that can't be avoided, I'd rather that than being a little girl over a boy who obviously doesn't want me.
But as I sit here, flipping through two Hinder albums, I want to cry. Well, I have cried. I've never missed him this badly, and it hasn't been that long since we've talked, like a week and a half. I know it was the dream that's done it, but I need something to keep me busy so he stays off my mind. My mother just bought a 2nd car, I'm so tempted on a weekend that I know my brothers won't need it to ask to borrow it and take off to see him. It would be stupid, and reckless, but totally worth it. 4 years. 4 years of flirting, teasing, lusting, longing and loving. 4 years is a long time to sit back and watch from afar (literally) and wish and want. I've had 2 failed relationships in that time. Did they fail because they were destined to fail, or because I was in love with someone else the whole time?
Sigh... I guess it's better to cry over someone like this, than to cry over someone who doesn't treat you right in the first place. I have no reason to believe that he wouldn't treat me well. And at least if we were together then we wouldn't be guilty of loving more than one person at the same time.
Right now I'd give my right arm for 10 minutes face to face with him! I want to see those eyes (green or the natural grey, I'll take it!), I want to see his smile, smell his smell, just be close. I'd handle not even touching him, but we all know what wouldn't happen. I think until I've seen him then I'll never be able to move past my rut and date. Right now I just pray that once his job's gone into a bit of a lull that he comes to visit his sister for a weekend. Yes, I've prayed, to God, for this. I don't know why, but since I've never really asked him for much for myself, I figure it's ok. I'll even behave, since he's not single. I just want him here, for a few minutes, or days, so we can figure out what's happening between us.
Two long blog entry's in two days (technically like 12 hours lol), related to him. Maybe if I keep posting about him, writing down my feelings, then I'll be able to make some sense of it... no.. I'll never make sense of it. It's just one of those wild and crazy things that I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. Loving a best friend... can it get any muddier than that?
Sigh, so tonight, for the first time in a long time... I curl up on the bed, to go to sleep, hugging myself tightly. Afraid that if I let go, I'll fall to pieces. And I wait, and wish that he was here..... though I know he never will be.
Hinder has always been our thing. I think the band wrong the song Lips of an Angel for the two of us. He was the one who pointed it out to me, it's his kind of music (dark and moody), but not really mind. But I love them! In fact, I've found a few more songs tonight that suit us. But Lips of an angel will always be "our" song. it can't describe us any better (well, it does when I'm in a relationship). more than one night that we've talked on the computer I've been miserable, crying and wishing my life was over. But he's like a new day, a sunrise, he just makes me happier. Until I get upset because he's not here, but that can't be avoided, I'd rather that than being a little girl over a boy who obviously doesn't want me.
But as I sit here, flipping through two Hinder albums, I want to cry. Well, I have cried. I've never missed him this badly, and it hasn't been that long since we've talked, like a week and a half. I know it was the dream that's done it, but I need something to keep me busy so he stays off my mind. My mother just bought a 2nd car, I'm so tempted on a weekend that I know my brothers won't need it to ask to borrow it and take off to see him. It would be stupid, and reckless, but totally worth it. 4 years. 4 years of flirting, teasing, lusting, longing and loving. 4 years is a long time to sit back and watch from afar (literally) and wish and want. I've had 2 failed relationships in that time. Did they fail because they were destined to fail, or because I was in love with someone else the whole time?
Sigh... I guess it's better to cry over someone like this, than to cry over someone who doesn't treat you right in the first place. I have no reason to believe that he wouldn't treat me well. And at least if we were together then we wouldn't be guilty of loving more than one person at the same time.
Right now I'd give my right arm for 10 minutes face to face with him! I want to see those eyes (green or the natural grey, I'll take it!), I want to see his smile, smell his smell, just be close. I'd handle not even touching him, but we all know what wouldn't happen. I think until I've seen him then I'll never be able to move past my rut and date. Right now I just pray that once his job's gone into a bit of a lull that he comes to visit his sister for a weekend. Yes, I've prayed, to God, for this. I don't know why, but since I've never really asked him for much for myself, I figure it's ok. I'll even behave, since he's not single. I just want him here, for a few minutes, or days, so we can figure out what's happening between us.
Two long blog entry's in two days (technically like 12 hours lol), related to him. Maybe if I keep posting about him, writing down my feelings, then I'll be able to make some sense of it... no.. I'll never make sense of it. It's just one of those wild and crazy things that I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. Loving a best friend... can it get any muddier than that?
Sigh, so tonight, for the first time in a long time... I curl up on the bed, to go to sleep, hugging myself tightly. Afraid that if I let go, I'll fall to pieces. And I wait, and wish that he was here..... though I know he never will be.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
So long So long...
it's been so long since I've updated. Tho, not much has transpired. I went on vacation, came home, cut off all my hair, decided I wanted to date, decided I didn't want to date, ticked off a very close friend of mine and got knocked on my ass my a 3 day migraine.
The only reason I'm even sitting down to write, is because I feel compelled to write down bits and pieces of my dream last night. Have you ever had a dream that you didn't want to wake up from because it would ruin the "perfect" dream? Well, despite some odd additions to life in said dream, I would absolutely love for my dream to come true and stay true.
What would you do if you woke up at home (in my case was my parents old house) with the love of your life and his family landscaping the home, doing the grass etc? Get super excited of course. But when you don't get to talk to him, after not having seen him for years, your heart would break. That's what happened, it wasn't until they pulled away was I able to get myself in his line of vision. Even now, awake and aware, I can still feel the desperation in my chest that I felt in my dream. I wanted him, he was there, his green eyes sparkling and I couldn't even move. He blew me a kiss, mouthed "I love you" and they rounded the corner.
I don't know exactly what transpired in the next moment or two, I think a craft fair distracted the women in the family and they were stopped. And as I rounded the corner the truck was there, stopped and he was waiting for me with his arms wide open. I'm not sure I've ever been in those arms in the first place, but all I know is if when I do get inside them they feel as right as they did in my dream.. I'm not letting him go. I'll move to the boonies and fight for him if I fucking well have to.
But this was the sweetest dream I've ever had. I absolutely blame it on the fact I was reading Eclipse before I went to bed, but oh freaking well I'll take it. Beautiful green eyes (grey around his pupil, indicating they are contacts), his low whispered voice, rough facial hair as it nuzzled my cheek and neck, his long fingers as they twined with mine, holding be close, brushing my cheek, winding in my hair. I've never once been treated like that in real life, so it's only natural that I would desire it in a dream. But, I know with out a doubt, that this person would act in this way if he ever saw me, because that is who he is.
In the dream he watched me singlehandedly wrangle his sister's children. An out of control 6 year old and a beautiful 9 month old. I don't dream about babies, not ones I touch anyways. But in this dream this little guy fit snugly against my hip, melding perfectly. I must have had sugar on my thumb, because he kept sucking on it. His eyes were like liquid emeralds as he watched me not only interact with both kids (whom I had perfect control over) and still never let go of me. He watched me, never letting but, but always keeping something at a slight distance. He knew he would have to say good bye and go home with his family. At one point I walked up to my mother, who is sitting with his family and she tells me that he's brought her a note, and vanished. I read the note, written in clear writing on a bottle.. in French. Jerk, he knows I can't read French, I'm not even positive he can! I got enough out of it to know he'd disappeared prematurely so he wouldn't have to say goodbye to me. He'd rather remember the hugs, quick kisses, touches and smiles that he'd gotten in the last hour than a tearful goodbye.
I stood there, clutching his Nephew, tears on my cheeks feeling like my world, which had been perfectly right moments before, had now been ripped apart and shattered.
I woke up crying, but that an odd sense of peace in my chest. I need to see him. I can't wait another 4 years. I don't know how I'm going to manage it, but if he doesn't come here to visit his sister this fall/winter, I'm going to him. I'll drag Gwen to Kintore if I have to! He'd come see me there, he wouldn't be able to NOT come see me if I was that close. I don't need my dream to happen, I just want one more chance to look into those green eyes, and a chance to wrap my arms around his body and hold him close. That would keep me happy for the rest of my life I think.... yeah, it would.
No more Bella and Edward before bed I think... gives me "nightmares". Sigh.. I just want my own Edward, is that so much to ask for?
The only reason I'm even sitting down to write, is because I feel compelled to write down bits and pieces of my dream last night. Have you ever had a dream that you didn't want to wake up from because it would ruin the "perfect" dream? Well, despite some odd additions to life in said dream, I would absolutely love for my dream to come true and stay true.
What would you do if you woke up at home (in my case was my parents old house) with the love of your life and his family landscaping the home, doing the grass etc? Get super excited of course. But when you don't get to talk to him, after not having seen him for years, your heart would break. That's what happened, it wasn't until they pulled away was I able to get myself in his line of vision. Even now, awake and aware, I can still feel the desperation in my chest that I felt in my dream. I wanted him, he was there, his green eyes sparkling and I couldn't even move. He blew me a kiss, mouthed "I love you" and they rounded the corner.
I don't know exactly what transpired in the next moment or two, I think a craft fair distracted the women in the family and they were stopped. And as I rounded the corner the truck was there, stopped and he was waiting for me with his arms wide open. I'm not sure I've ever been in those arms in the first place, but all I know is if when I do get inside them they feel as right as they did in my dream.. I'm not letting him go. I'll move to the boonies and fight for him if I fucking well have to.
But this was the sweetest dream I've ever had. I absolutely blame it on the fact I was reading Eclipse before I went to bed, but oh freaking well I'll take it. Beautiful green eyes (grey around his pupil, indicating they are contacts), his low whispered voice, rough facial hair as it nuzzled my cheek and neck, his long fingers as they twined with mine, holding be close, brushing my cheek, winding in my hair. I've never once been treated like that in real life, so it's only natural that I would desire it in a dream. But, I know with out a doubt, that this person would act in this way if he ever saw me, because that is who he is.
In the dream he watched me singlehandedly wrangle his sister's children. An out of control 6 year old and a beautiful 9 month old. I don't dream about babies, not ones I touch anyways. But in this dream this little guy fit snugly against my hip, melding perfectly. I must have had sugar on my thumb, because he kept sucking on it. His eyes were like liquid emeralds as he watched me not only interact with both kids (whom I had perfect control over) and still never let go of me. He watched me, never letting but, but always keeping something at a slight distance. He knew he would have to say good bye and go home with his family. At one point I walked up to my mother, who is sitting with his family and she tells me that he's brought her a note, and vanished. I read the note, written in clear writing on a bottle.. in French. Jerk, he knows I can't read French, I'm not even positive he can! I got enough out of it to know he'd disappeared prematurely so he wouldn't have to say goodbye to me. He'd rather remember the hugs, quick kisses, touches and smiles that he'd gotten in the last hour than a tearful goodbye.
I stood there, clutching his Nephew, tears on my cheeks feeling like my world, which had been perfectly right moments before, had now been ripped apart and shattered.
I woke up crying, but that an odd sense of peace in my chest. I need to see him. I can't wait another 4 years. I don't know how I'm going to manage it, but if he doesn't come here to visit his sister this fall/winter, I'm going to him. I'll drag Gwen to Kintore if I have to! He'd come see me there, he wouldn't be able to NOT come see me if I was that close. I don't need my dream to happen, I just want one more chance to look into those green eyes, and a chance to wrap my arms around his body and hold him close. That would keep me happy for the rest of my life I think.... yeah, it would.
No more Bella and Edward before bed I think... gives me "nightmares". Sigh.. I just want my own Edward, is that so much to ask for?
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Wow I suck at this blogging thing...
Over a month since my last update! OUCH.
Well, I've had a complete mental break down in the last two weeks, and we've yet to figure out why. I stopped my birth control and my antidepressant (only used for sleep, not mood modification) and I have noticed SOME change..but I'm still not Ashley and it's irritating.
The good news is I have hit yet another goal in my weight loss. I took my measurements yesterday and I came out at:
July 15th - 164lbs this is an all around YAY week!
Stomach: 36"
Hips: 40"
Top Bulge: 34.25"
Bottom Bulge: 40"
I have manged to lose 2" off my stomach in less than 2 months! And I'm down 1.75" on the bulge that is above my belly button. I need to start doing some crunches or something so I can see some more results!
I hurt my right leg, and I dont know how. But shhh... at this point I don't know how the fuck I'm going to Drive Monday when we leave for vacation. ugh. I've tried wrapping it, rubbing it, using A535 on it... sigh... stupid flip flops!
Alright, I've whined enough, I now need to get off my ass, and do some cleaning and shit. This is my last day off before my trip and there is some stuff I need to hunt down so I can get it tossed in the suitcase!
Hopefully when I get back, I don't report I gained 40lbs. LOL.
Well, I've had a complete mental break down in the last two weeks, and we've yet to figure out why. I stopped my birth control and my antidepressant (only used for sleep, not mood modification) and I have noticed SOME change..but I'm still not Ashley and it's irritating.
The good news is I have hit yet another goal in my weight loss. I took my measurements yesterday and I came out at:
July 15th - 164lbs this is an all around YAY week!
Stomach: 36"
Hips: 40"
Top Bulge: 34.25"
Bottom Bulge: 40"
I have manged to lose 2" off my stomach in less than 2 months! And I'm down 1.75" on the bulge that is above my belly button. I need to start doing some crunches or something so I can see some more results!
I hurt my right leg, and I dont know how. But shhh... at this point I don't know how the fuck I'm going to Drive Monday when we leave for vacation. ugh. I've tried wrapping it, rubbing it, using A535 on it... sigh... stupid flip flops!
Alright, I've whined enough, I now need to get off my ass, and do some cleaning and shit. This is my last day off before my trip and there is some stuff I need to hunt down so I can get it tossed in the suitcase!
Hopefully when I get back, I don't report I gained 40lbs. LOL.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Being fat....
Getting pretty annoyed with looking and feeling fat. For what ever reason I decided to try on my goal jeans yesterday. Not only could I do them up, not only could I walk and sit comfortable in them, but they look better than my current pair. So then, I tear off the jeans and tank and pull on my evening dress, which I'd like the opportunity to wear again and look sexy in. Ok, it slides up and down easy, boobs look great.... ok, maybe I am seeing some changes and not realizing it!
I got two Pilates video's (one's a bit old, I like the Pilates for Dummies one) and two of the 5 Carmen Electra Strippertease Aerobics videos. Tried the Pilates, and for the first time I found something I can't do. Which really hurt my feelings... not to mention my neck (and I was in the perfect position too! So today (despite having a fever) I'm going to try the stripper tease video. The ones I have are just her cardio warm up, which has both her and the trainer sweating... so it can't hurt to try right?
I'm aiming to do 2000 minutes over the next ten or 12 weeks. That's less than an hour 3x a week (on top of my walking) so we'll see which goal I reach first in my sig, my distance, or my time!
I skipped my measure in this week. My period is here in full force and I can feel and see that I am very bloated. Gonna pound back the water today to see if I can fix that!
I got two Pilates video's (one's a bit old, I like the Pilates for Dummies one) and two of the 5 Carmen Electra Strippertease Aerobics videos. Tried the Pilates, and for the first time I found something I can't do. Which really hurt my feelings... not to mention my neck (and I was in the perfect position too! So today (despite having a fever) I'm going to try the stripper tease video. The ones I have are just her cardio warm up, which has both her and the trainer sweating... so it can't hurt to try right?
I'm aiming to do 2000 minutes over the next ten or 12 weeks. That's less than an hour 3x a week (on top of my walking) so we'll see which goal I reach first in my sig, my distance, or my time!
I skipped my measure in this week. My period is here in full force and I can feel and see that I am very bloated. Gonna pound back the water today to see if I can fix that!
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
There's just something peaceful....
About a nice long walk in the evening with a good friend. Chris and I walked down to Dairy Queen and back tonight, and it was so nice. And I don't mean the ice cream. LOL.
I need more casual downtime in my life. Just time to stop and relax. Sure the stress of my life has been cut down to a small fraction of what it had been before I moved out, but there is still some that I would like to get rid of.
I'm debating between yoga and meditation. I don't think I have the discipline for meditation, but I may for yoga. I've got the links for it on the computer, I just need to clean the rest of my room so I have the floor space for it. I think I'll start with the corpse pose... bet I fall asleep. LOL
I need more casual downtime in my life. Just time to stop and relax. Sure the stress of my life has been cut down to a small fraction of what it had been before I moved out, but there is still some that I would like to get rid of.
I'm debating between yoga and meditation. I don't think I have the discipline for meditation, but I may for yoga. I've got the links for it on the computer, I just need to clean the rest of my room so I have the floor space for it. I think I'll start with the corpse pose... bet I fall asleep. LOL
Saturday, May 30, 2009
What the heart wants
Popped my head phones on for a few minutes a little bit ago and the first song that played was "The Outside" by Taylor Swift. A sweet simple love song about a girl standing on the outside of what she wants and not being able to get in and get what she wants the most. I sort of relate to this song.
I've talked a lot in blogs about ex's and all their screw ups. What I've never talked about is the one person who knows me so well that it's scary, that I get worried when I don't hear from them, who I love with all my heart. We became friends by chance, and I'm glad that it happened. I should remind him he still has a book of mine that I lent him in 2005 and he should bring it down and give it to me... screw the book, I want to see him!
We met while working at Sobeys together, and he had a little flig with my roommate at the time. That's how I spoke to him. Well, he spoke to me. He was sitting on the couch with her watching tv, and I was behind them on the computer. He must have been bored, or she left the room, because he turned around and started talking to me. I'm not sure how I even managed to get out two words, because I'd caught those pretty green (I still have no idea their actual color, they're contacts) eyes of his and I was lost. Nothing could ever happen, I was in a relationship and then when I wasn't he'd moved away. Now he's away, and I'm still in love with him.
There's so much more I can say, but I don't know how much of my heart I'm ready to lay out in a public blog at this point. But here's the song, maybe I'll add more to this subject another time.
"The Outside"
I didn't know what I would find
When I went looking for a reason, I know
I didn't read between the lines
And, baby, I've got nowhere to go
I tried to take the road less traveled by
But nothing seems to work the first few times
Am I right?
[Chorus:]
So how can I ever try to be better?
Nobody ever lets me in
I can still see you, this ain't the best view
On the outside looking in
I've been a lot of lonely places
I've never been on the outside
You saw me there, but never knew
I would give it all up to be
A part of this, a part of you
And now it's all too late so you see
You could've helped if you had wanted to
But no one notices until it's too
Late to do anything
[Repeat Chorus]
So how can I ever try to be better?
Nobody ever lets me in
I can still see you, this ain't the best view
On the outside looking in
I've been a lot of lonely places
I've never been on the outside
I've talked a lot in blogs about ex's and all their screw ups. What I've never talked about is the one person who knows me so well that it's scary, that I get worried when I don't hear from them, who I love with all my heart. We became friends by chance, and I'm glad that it happened. I should remind him he still has a book of mine that I lent him in 2005 and he should bring it down and give it to me... screw the book, I want to see him!
We met while working at Sobeys together, and he had a little flig with my roommate at the time. That's how I spoke to him. Well, he spoke to me. He was sitting on the couch with her watching tv, and I was behind them on the computer. He must have been bored, or she left the room, because he turned around and started talking to me. I'm not sure how I even managed to get out two words, because I'd caught those pretty green (I still have no idea their actual color, they're contacts) eyes of his and I was lost. Nothing could ever happen, I was in a relationship and then when I wasn't he'd moved away. Now he's away, and I'm still in love with him.
There's so much more I can say, but I don't know how much of my heart I'm ready to lay out in a public blog at this point. But here's the song, maybe I'll add more to this subject another time.
"The Outside"
I didn't know what I would find
When I went looking for a reason, I know
I didn't read between the lines
And, baby, I've got nowhere to go
I tried to take the road less traveled by
But nothing seems to work the first few times
Am I right?
[Chorus:]
So how can I ever try to be better?
Nobody ever lets me in
I can still see you, this ain't the best view
On the outside looking in
I've been a lot of lonely places
I've never been on the outside
You saw me there, but never knew
I would give it all up to be
A part of this, a part of you
And now it's all too late so you see
You could've helped if you had wanted to
But no one notices until it's too
Late to do anything
[Repeat Chorus]
So how can I ever try to be better?
Nobody ever lets me in
I can still see you, this ain't the best view
On the outside looking in
I've been a lot of lonely places
I've never been on the outside
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Today will be a good calorie day
I'm in so much stomach discomfort I wouldn't even dream of putting food in there right now. I feel like I have a hard lump in the middle of my stomach. Water and soup seem to go around it, but nothing is making it move. Sigh.
So I'm going to stick with soup today, maybe boil up some of the carrot matchsticks in the fridge and eat those with a boiled potato later... who knows. I know I'm hungry, starving actually, but I still feel so sick!
I'm beginning to worry about how I'm going on vacation this summer. I'm losing a day a pay right now, 11 hours so far this week, and the week only started yesterday! I'm sure I can do it if I stop wasting my money, but that's easier said than done. I did figure out that if work works with me, I will get in 30 hours out of my usual 75 the week that I'm gone... so I'm not losing 2 full week, which is a bit of a relief. At least that will pay my insurance and the loan payment. BIG RELIEF!
I've only been up for 3 hours, I'm bored out of my tree. I have managed to burn some of the most important stuff off my hard drive, most of it is now free. I just need to dig out the rest of the CD's in my closet and try and fit the wedding photos (I can delete the ones from Tim, I have those on CD somewhere so I need to find 8bg of cd space.. I'll sacrifice the music. Since there's a chance that Dell won't replace the drive (it's away from the overheating fan so should be fine), I just want to make sure the irreplaceable (my photos and writing) are safe.
This also unfortunately means no exercise today... I just don't feel up to it. Maybe later I'll go out and turn on a movie and use the bike, but I make absolutely no guarantee. LOL.
Wish me better people!
So I'm going to stick with soup today, maybe boil up some of the carrot matchsticks in the fridge and eat those with a boiled potato later... who knows. I know I'm hungry, starving actually, but I still feel so sick!
I'm beginning to worry about how I'm going on vacation this summer. I'm losing a day a pay right now, 11 hours so far this week, and the week only started yesterday! I'm sure I can do it if I stop wasting my money, but that's easier said than done. I did figure out that if work works with me, I will get in 30 hours out of my usual 75 the week that I'm gone... so I'm not losing 2 full week, which is a bit of a relief. At least that will pay my insurance and the loan payment. BIG RELIEF!
I've only been up for 3 hours, I'm bored out of my tree. I have managed to burn some of the most important stuff off my hard drive, most of it is now free. I just need to dig out the rest of the CD's in my closet and try and fit the wedding photos (I can delete the ones from Tim, I have those on CD somewhere so I need to find 8bg of cd space.. I'll sacrifice the music. Since there's a chance that Dell won't replace the drive (it's away from the overheating fan so should be fine), I just want to make sure the irreplaceable (my photos and writing) are safe.
This also unfortunately means no exercise today... I just don't feel up to it. Maybe later I'll go out and turn on a movie and use the bike, but I make absolutely no guarantee. LOL.
Wish me better people!
Monday, May 25, 2009
This diet thing is HARD
wow, so I skipped the weekend because I'm sure the alcohol I consumed was my daily calories alone (I'd like to add that I had 900 calories of rum and 1000 calories of sambuca, not counting my mix. FUCK) So I'm back at it today. It's hard to find lunch food that I can have easily at work that's not 900 calories or 12 WW points! It's daunting. Only reason I'm going to stay under my points today is because I got let go from work and didn't eat the meal. I'm saving it for tomorrow (when I don't have any snack food at work).
The walking is going well though. I walked to work all three shifts last week, then walked Friday and Saturday. Took Sunday off to rest (aka felt sick as shit and stayed on the couch all day). And I walked to and from today. I may try and coax Chris into a walk tonight to add more to the calories burned. Right now I'm burning about 700 calories more than I'm eating a day, which is awesome.
I'm allowed 1200 calories a day. Walking to work burns between 150 and 200 calories. Walking home burns 500 calories. I burn roughly 1000 calories a day when I'm doing nothing (gotta love our bodies eh?) , 500 when I sleep. So with out any exercise if I eat right, I burn 300 calories more than I eat. That plus my exercise means I should be burning about 1000 calories a day, 3500 burned =1lb lost. so if anyone is doing the math I should be losing 2lbs or more a week as long as I am actually giving my body enough calories through food to burn (I wish it could just burn off the fat cells in my belly before it did the food... but that's just wishful thinking). If I can actually keep this up, and see the 2lb change each week, by summer vacation I'll have lost 20lbs and 2 pant sizes!
Hmmm... if I keep this up I may not be able to hide from the boys anymore, Chris will be beating them away from the windows.... wait... he'd enjoy that, and I'd enjoy watching it... so maybe this is a good thing.
Inspirational Song of the Day:
The walking is going well though. I walked to work all three shifts last week, then walked Friday and Saturday. Took Sunday off to rest (aka felt sick as shit and stayed on the couch all day). And I walked to and from today. I may try and coax Chris into a walk tonight to add more to the calories burned. Right now I'm burning about 700 calories more than I'm eating a day, which is awesome.
I'm allowed 1200 calories a day. Walking to work burns between 150 and 200 calories. Walking home burns 500 calories. I burn roughly 1000 calories a day when I'm doing nothing (gotta love our bodies eh?) , 500 when I sleep. So with out any exercise if I eat right, I burn 300 calories more than I eat. That plus my exercise means I should be burning about 1000 calories a day, 3500 burned =1lb lost. so if anyone is doing the math I should be losing 2lbs or more a week as long as I am actually giving my body enough calories through food to burn (I wish it could just burn off the fat cells in my belly before it did the food... but that's just wishful thinking). If I can actually keep this up, and see the 2lb change each week, by summer vacation I'll have lost 20lbs and 2 pant sizes!
Hmmm... if I keep this up I may not be able to hide from the boys anymore, Chris will be beating them away from the windows.... wait... he'd enjoy that, and I'd enjoy watching it... so maybe this is a good thing.
Inspirational Song of the Day:
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
And the regime begins...
Decided today that enough is enough. I'm tired of being fat. I want this belly gone, and I want it gone NOW.
LOL... since I know instant gratification isn't going to happen, I'm going to work on it. I've registered with myfitnesspal.com and mapmywalk.com and I'm going to track my calories and my exercise. I've signed up for a few challenges, including walking 40km in 30 days (which I can do in my sleep) and trying to get more sleep at night.
I'm determined this time. This will work! I'd like to lose 2" in the next 6 weeks, 3 before I leave for Newfoundland in July. I've got a pair of pants laid out on my bed and I'm going to fit into them properly before we go. I'm not going to starve myself, I'm not going to workout until I hurt myself. I'm going to do it right. 1200 calories or 23 WW points a day, and try and burn 1400 calories a week (walking home from work I burn it in less than 4 days). I can do this.
So consider this my notice. Say goodbye to the Ashley you know and get ready to say hello to a brand new one! My new motto: "walking off my weight, one step at a time".
Wish me luck. Feel free to poke me, kick me or burn my ass to help me!
Here's my progress!
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v122/LarienAshley/Weight%20Loss%20week%20x%20week/Bellyweekbyweek.jpg
LOL... since I know instant gratification isn't going to happen, I'm going to work on it. I've registered with myfitnesspal.com and mapmywalk.com and I'm going to track my calories and my exercise. I've signed up for a few challenges, including walking 40km in 30 days (which I can do in my sleep) and trying to get more sleep at night.
I'm determined this time. This will work! I'd like to lose 2" in the next 6 weeks, 3 before I leave for Newfoundland in July. I've got a pair of pants laid out on my bed and I'm going to fit into them properly before we go. I'm not going to starve myself, I'm not going to workout until I hurt myself. I'm going to do it right. 1200 calories or 23 WW points a day, and try and burn 1400 calories a week (walking home from work I burn it in less than 4 days). I can do this.
So consider this my notice. Say goodbye to the Ashley you know and get ready to say hello to a brand new one! My new motto: "walking off my weight, one step at a time".
Wish me luck. Feel free to poke me, kick me or burn my ass to help me!
Here's my progress!
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v122/LarienAshley/Weight%20Loss%20week%20x%20week/Bellyweekbyweek.jpg
Saturday, May 16, 2009
If bad things come in threes....
then mine come in multiples of three. Garrett gets fired, Brandon gets fired, Dad goes a little bit crazier and runs off with the car, and Tori's grandfather has a stroke and is on life support with no hope. OI!
Other than that life's not to shabby. Found out this week I'm going to take my first vacation in 11 summers in July, back to Newfoundland (which was also my last vacation). I'm quite excited about it, though still wondering how I'm going to pay for it. I have a few ideas, I don't mind falling behind in my cell phone, but the rest of the bills kinda can't get skipped. Stupid bills!
Odd, I had a whole big blog post thought up, and now there's nothing in my head (no comments from the peanut gallery)... hopefully next time!
Other than that life's not to shabby. Found out this week I'm going to take my first vacation in 11 summers in July, back to Newfoundland (which was also my last vacation). I'm quite excited about it, though still wondering how I'm going to pay for it. I have a few ideas, I don't mind falling behind in my cell phone, but the rest of the bills kinda can't get skipped. Stupid bills!
Odd, I had a whole big blog post thought up, and now there's nothing in my head (no comments from the peanut gallery)... hopefully next time!
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Happy Mother's Day....
Mother's day is always a bitter sweet day for me. Not only am I not able to see my own mother on this day most years, I'm not even able to see the sweet angels that made me able to celebrate this day myself! Just another one of life's cruel acts I suppose. *shrug*. Is it sad I'm starting to get used to those?
Ok, back to my reason for writing. I'm not sure just how many of the people who know me, know that I am a mother. There were very few that knew I was pregnant back home, there are even less who knew I was pregnant a second time. It wasn't that I was hiding it from them, it's just that it happened, got messy and was over in such a short time, less than 30 days. I can still remember when I was considering abortion a family friend taking me in her arms and saying, "you don't do no harm to that baby. You bring her into this world and we will all love her just as we love you. And we will help her and we will help you get through all of this." At first I was offended, because I was still very angry at my body that it would even get pregnant in the first place, but as time wore on, and well after the pregnancy had ended I took comfort in her words. I woudln't have been alone as I'd feared, I would have had the love and support of a very large extended family when the time came.
Maybe I should explain the back story.
Matthew William Roger and Mark Bernard Scott were born into heaven on August 24th 2005 after 9weeks 2 days on this earth. They were concieved, admittedly, by mistake on July 4th 2005. Right from the very start their father did not want them, and after ten days of me refusing abortion we broke up. Not the best time for that to happen, but eh Shit Happens. My first ultrasound was scheduled the first week of August, and it showed the usual fetal pole and sac, no official baby yet. That sort of put me on edge, because I was over 6 weeks at this point. I went back a week later and it showed a baby, heartbeat and all, and a 2nd fetal pole and sac. No fucking way.. TWINS? Yea, as if I wasn't stressed enough with one. My doctor sat me down and explained the ultrasounds. We'd talked abortion in the first appointment I'd had. She told me that the techs wanted more scans, because the babies were SERIOUSLY behind schedule for my LMP and the only weekend they could have been conceived on. Along with my blood work being out of whack, spotting from the date of confirmation, and the techs opinion, she did not think it was a viable pregnancy. She recomended termination.
The day my pregnancy with them ended another ultrasound confirmed her suspicions. The baby with the heartbeat no longer had one, and the other's was in the 60bmp range. MUCH too slow for a 9 week baby. To complicate matters, they shared one placenta, they were identical. The sided with my doctor's opinion, and my pregnancy ended. I found out, almost three years later, that both babies had a chromosomal disorder known as Trisomy 8 complete. They were doomed from the moment conception happened.
Mattie Anne was born into heaven on April 7th 2008 after a very rocky and confusing 8 weeks on this earth. Like my first pregnancy, it was unplanned, I was even using birth control. Her father, like her brothers, wanted absolutely nothing to do with her. Her story is slightly different though. I got a positive pregnancy test on March 9th 2008, and proceeded to start my period the following day. I assumed it was a chemical pregnancy and let it slide. However, I felt off through the following month, and he insisted I test again. He left on a trip for work on the Saturday before she was lost, and I promised I'd test Monday morning. Which I did, and it was a very faint positive. No darker than the month before. An hour later, as I was preparing to leave for a doctor's appointment a sharp pain hit me and I knew exactly what was happening.
ten minutes later I prepared the tiny, yet perfectly formed body of my daughter for the trip to Halifax. I wanted to know why she'd died. Only four days later, rather fast I had thought, I was told that the baby I'd taken for testing was a little girl, perfectly formed for 8 weeks gestation, and there was absolutly nothing wrong with her genetically. however, she had a very small mass of what should have been her placenta, and even less lining attached. Their conclusion was the birth control had thinned my lining (whcih would make sense, because my periods were lighter), making it impossible for a proper placenta to form and she hadn't been able to survive. It didn't help that I'd actually hand a period and robbed her of part of that lining after implantation, stupid Nuva Ring.
So there you have it, the short, but very sweet stories of my children. Their story isn't unique, in fact It would shock the general public to see just how many miscarriages happen, and how many women have multiple ones. Some with no viable pregnancys, others with many.
But regardless, these women, like me, are mothers. So if you know anyone who's had a miscarriage, or a stillbirth, or lost a baby or a child, remember... Just because our children are not here in our arms with us on Mother's Day, does not make us any less of a mother. No loss is a little loss. So to all my Pregnancy Loss Ladies that may happen across this today: Remember, we are mothers, and we love our babies, and today, is our day too.
Hugs and Much Love,
Ashley
and my angels Matthew, Mark and Mattie
Ok, back to my reason for writing. I'm not sure just how many of the people who know me, know that I am a mother. There were very few that knew I was pregnant back home, there are even less who knew I was pregnant a second time. It wasn't that I was hiding it from them, it's just that it happened, got messy and was over in such a short time, less than 30 days. I can still remember when I was considering abortion a family friend taking me in her arms and saying, "you don't do no harm to that baby. You bring her into this world and we will all love her just as we love you. And we will help her and we will help you get through all of this." At first I was offended, because I was still very angry at my body that it would even get pregnant in the first place, but as time wore on, and well after the pregnancy had ended I took comfort in her words. I woudln't have been alone as I'd feared, I would have had the love and support of a very large extended family when the time came.
Maybe I should explain the back story.
Matthew William Roger and Mark Bernard Scott were born into heaven on August 24th 2005 after 9weeks 2 days on this earth. They were concieved, admittedly, by mistake on July 4th 2005. Right from the very start their father did not want them, and after ten days of me refusing abortion we broke up. Not the best time for that to happen, but eh Shit Happens. My first ultrasound was scheduled the first week of August, and it showed the usual fetal pole and sac, no official baby yet. That sort of put me on edge, because I was over 6 weeks at this point. I went back a week later and it showed a baby, heartbeat and all, and a 2nd fetal pole and sac. No fucking way.. TWINS? Yea, as if I wasn't stressed enough with one. My doctor sat me down and explained the ultrasounds. We'd talked abortion in the first appointment I'd had. She told me that the techs wanted more scans, because the babies were SERIOUSLY behind schedule for my LMP and the only weekend they could have been conceived on. Along with my blood work being out of whack, spotting from the date of confirmation, and the techs opinion, she did not think it was a viable pregnancy. She recomended termination.
The day my pregnancy with them ended another ultrasound confirmed her suspicions. The baby with the heartbeat no longer had one, and the other's was in the 60bmp range. MUCH too slow for a 9 week baby. To complicate matters, they shared one placenta, they were identical. The sided with my doctor's opinion, and my pregnancy ended. I found out, almost three years later, that both babies had a chromosomal disorder known as Trisomy 8 complete. They were doomed from the moment conception happened.
Mattie Anne was born into heaven on April 7th 2008 after a very rocky and confusing 8 weeks on this earth. Like my first pregnancy, it was unplanned, I was even using birth control. Her father, like her brothers, wanted absolutely nothing to do with her. Her story is slightly different though. I got a positive pregnancy test on March 9th 2008, and proceeded to start my period the following day. I assumed it was a chemical pregnancy and let it slide. However, I felt off through the following month, and he insisted I test again. He left on a trip for work on the Saturday before she was lost, and I promised I'd test Monday morning. Which I did, and it was a very faint positive. No darker than the month before. An hour later, as I was preparing to leave for a doctor's appointment a sharp pain hit me and I knew exactly what was happening.
ten minutes later I prepared the tiny, yet perfectly formed body of my daughter for the trip to Halifax. I wanted to know why she'd died. Only four days later, rather fast I had thought, I was told that the baby I'd taken for testing was a little girl, perfectly formed for 8 weeks gestation, and there was absolutly nothing wrong with her genetically. however, she had a very small mass of what should have been her placenta, and even less lining attached. Their conclusion was the birth control had thinned my lining (whcih would make sense, because my periods were lighter), making it impossible for a proper placenta to form and she hadn't been able to survive. It didn't help that I'd actually hand a period and robbed her of part of that lining after implantation, stupid Nuva Ring.
So there you have it, the short, but very sweet stories of my children. Their story isn't unique, in fact It would shock the general public to see just how many miscarriages happen, and how many women have multiple ones. Some with no viable pregnancys, others with many.
But regardless, these women, like me, are mothers. So if you know anyone who's had a miscarriage, or a stillbirth, or lost a baby or a child, remember... Just because our children are not here in our arms with us on Mother's Day, does not make us any less of a mother. No loss is a little loss. So to all my Pregnancy Loss Ladies that may happen across this today: Remember, we are mothers, and we love our babies, and today, is our day too.
Hugs and Much Love,
Ashley
and my angels Matthew, Mark and Mattie
Monday, April 27, 2009
Day two: April 27th 2009
"There's a voice inside my head saying, you'll never reach it"
~ Miley Cyrus
I don't really have much to day today that's insightful. I'm annoyed with my cell phone company, I'm sore and tired.
But we're almost at moving day! 3 days left and we'll be in our new place!!!! yay! Only one more shift at work, then Wednesday, Thursday and Friday off, all for moving. I'm quite excited.
I guess I do have some insight into today's lyrics set. Part of me always likes to point out that I'm not getting anywhere in my life, but right now I'm just ignoring it. I've got other things to worry about!
~ Miley Cyrus
I don't really have much to day today that's insightful. I'm annoyed with my cell phone company, I'm sore and tired.
But we're almost at moving day! 3 days left and we'll be in our new place!!!! yay! Only one more shift at work, then Wednesday, Thursday and Friday off, all for moving. I'm quite excited.
I guess I do have some insight into today's lyrics set. Part of me always likes to point out that I'm not getting anywhere in my life, but right now I'm just ignoring it. I've got other things to worry about!
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Day 1 - April 26th 2009
"I can almost see it, that dream I’m dreaming"
~ Miley Cyrus
May as well start the year off with some reflecting. In 11 years I've had 4 relationships, 2 casual encounters and a whole lotta dates. Well, no, not a lotta dates, but enough to keep me sated.
-Scott and I ended things after 5.5 years, I still don't exactly know why, but that's ok. After 5.5 years and not having any dates before him, it was probably a good thing to happen when it did. Gave me a chance to still enjoy the end of my teen years.. though I didn't.
-Matt #1 and I ended things on a sour note, though I don't think we've ever been mad at each for what happened. Accidents do happen, and even to this day I don't blame him for his reaction. He was 21, has just lost his father, was struggling through school and now was facing fatherhood. I don't think I'll ever blame him for it. It's just a shame that the babies didn't make it.
-Matt #2 and I ended things on a very confusing note. I swore I'd never forgive him, because I didn't see the sense in the break up at all. I was angry with him for a long time, however forgiveness eventually came. I guess you could say all is forgotten now, giving all that has happened in the last seven months between us. One day I figure the casual aspect will haunt me, but for now I'm just trying to keep it at bay and move forward with my life.
-Matt #3 and I ended things a year ago. When I'd discovered he still had online dating accounts, and was aquiring new ones while we were living together, I gave him the choice. Them, or me. He chose them and I moved out a week later. I've not forgiven him at all, and it's now been a year. I did not see the sense in it. Probably has a lot to do with his history, which I found out later, and the shitty way he treated me day to day. I'm not sorry to see this relationship go, I just wish it hadn't ended with another baby dying.
There, there's my reflection. I won't reflect on the dates I've been on, I'll just get angry with a few guys who don't deserve it. But in the 4 relationships, I've had and lost my dream twice. Honestly, I can live with out a man, what's what toys are for. But I want a child, I want a piece of me that I can love and nuture and raise. and I've had it within my grasp twice. The twins didn't desreve to die from their bad genes, the other died from my own mistake. It just isn't fair that it has been so close, and then lost.
But I know one day I'll get this dream. Even if I have to do it all on my own, there are ways to do it (no, I'm not going to trick some poor guy into knocking me up.. lol) if need be. But for now, I'm just going to sit back and wait. "Good Things Come To Those Who Wait." I don't know who said it, but fuck, I hope they're right.
~ Miley Cyrus
May as well start the year off with some reflecting. In 11 years I've had 4 relationships, 2 casual encounters and a whole lotta dates. Well, no, not a lotta dates, but enough to keep me sated.
-Scott and I ended things after 5.5 years, I still don't exactly know why, but that's ok. After 5.5 years and not having any dates before him, it was probably a good thing to happen when it did. Gave me a chance to still enjoy the end of my teen years.. though I didn't.
-Matt #1 and I ended things on a sour note, though I don't think we've ever been mad at each for what happened. Accidents do happen, and even to this day I don't blame him for his reaction. He was 21, has just lost his father, was struggling through school and now was facing fatherhood. I don't think I'll ever blame him for it. It's just a shame that the babies didn't make it.
-Matt #2 and I ended things on a very confusing note. I swore I'd never forgive him, because I didn't see the sense in the break up at all. I was angry with him for a long time, however forgiveness eventually came. I guess you could say all is forgotten now, giving all that has happened in the last seven months between us. One day I figure the casual aspect will haunt me, but for now I'm just trying to keep it at bay and move forward with my life.
-Matt #3 and I ended things a year ago. When I'd discovered he still had online dating accounts, and was aquiring new ones while we were living together, I gave him the choice. Them, or me. He chose them and I moved out a week later. I've not forgiven him at all, and it's now been a year. I did not see the sense in it. Probably has a lot to do with his history, which I found out later, and the shitty way he treated me day to day. I'm not sorry to see this relationship go, I just wish it hadn't ended with another baby dying.
There, there's my reflection. I won't reflect on the dates I've been on, I'll just get angry with a few guys who don't deserve it. But in the 4 relationships, I've had and lost my dream twice. Honestly, I can live with out a man, what's what toys are for. But I want a child, I want a piece of me that I can love and nuture and raise. and I've had it within my grasp twice. The twins didn't desreve to die from their bad genes, the other died from my own mistake. It just isn't fair that it has been so close, and then lost.
But I know one day I'll get this dream. Even if I have to do it all on my own, there are ways to do it (no, I'm not going to trick some poor guy into knocking me up.. lol) if need be. But for now, I'm just going to sit back and wait. "Good Things Come To Those Who Wait." I don't know who said it, but fuck, I hope they're right.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
The One Year Mark
Tonight at midnight will mark the one year since the last idiot chose his online dating sites over me. I'd like to say I'm sad to see the mark coming, but I'm not, because I can honestly say that is a relationship that should never happened. Next time, I will listen to Jenn.
But one year is a big deal for me right now, because I'm actually happy to see it coming. It hasn't been an easy year, hasn't been a year of independence. But it marks a new beginning for me. I don't know if I can actually explain it in a way that anyone else would understand, but since this is a blog, and essentially me talking to myself, I may as well give it a try so I've got something to do for the next 30 minutes or so.
For the last 11 years (yes folks, it has been 11 years since I started actively dating) I've been all about the boys. I like having a boyfriend, I can't deny that because anyone who knows me would call me names. I dislike being single for the most part. But In the 11 years between April 23rd/98 and April 23/09 I was single for 37 months (in separate increments 3.5months, 15months, 4.5months, 12months); that's 2.9 years out of 11. That's not a lot. In fact, it's probably a lot less than it should be considering I've never been married, or fully engaged. But in those 11 years, a huge part of me was driven to go from guy to guy to guy.
But I've recently realized hey, I kinda like not having to report to anyone, doing what I want when I want. That may sound rather silly to most, but for me, that's a HUGE deal. So I'm starting this "new year" with a new motto. I'm going to think about my future for ME, not my future with a HIM. I'm going to work, play, and be happy. I'm going to enjoy my friends, my family and my life as it is right now. I have some things that should be done before I even think about dating... like paying off my bills (pay day loan, credit card, power bill, aliant bill, bell bill, computer, and Library fees) or at least get a start on them. I'd also like to get things in order to go back to school by Sept 2011 at the latest... that gives me two years and 4 months to get all of that paid off ($4000).
But I'm thinking positive. I can do this. I can live my life for me, and be happy with it. And since I've got great friends, both IRL and online, who can help me keep on this path. What, with Jenn on one side with a bat and Chris on the other, how can I walk anything except a straight line forward?
But one year is a big deal for me right now, because I'm actually happy to see it coming. It hasn't been an easy year, hasn't been a year of independence. But it marks a new beginning for me. I don't know if I can actually explain it in a way that anyone else would understand, but since this is a blog, and essentially me talking to myself, I may as well give it a try so I've got something to do for the next 30 minutes or so.
For the last 11 years (yes folks, it has been 11 years since I started actively dating) I've been all about the boys. I like having a boyfriend, I can't deny that because anyone who knows me would call me names. I dislike being single for the most part. But In the 11 years between April 23rd/98 and April 23/09 I was single for 37 months (in separate increments 3.5months, 15months, 4.5months, 12months); that's 2.9 years out of 11. That's not a lot. In fact, it's probably a lot less than it should be considering I've never been married, or fully engaged. But in those 11 years, a huge part of me was driven to go from guy to guy to guy.
But I've recently realized hey, I kinda like not having to report to anyone, doing what I want when I want. That may sound rather silly to most, but for me, that's a HUGE deal. So I'm starting this "new year" with a new motto. I'm going to think about my future for ME, not my future with a HIM. I'm going to work, play, and be happy. I'm going to enjoy my friends, my family and my life as it is right now. I have some things that should be done before I even think about dating... like paying off my bills (pay day loan, credit card, power bill, aliant bill, bell bill, computer, and Library fees) or at least get a start on them. I'd also like to get things in order to go back to school by Sept 2011 at the latest... that gives me two years and 4 months to get all of that paid off ($4000).
But I'm thinking positive. I can do this. I can live my life for me, and be happy with it. And since I've got great friends, both IRL and online, who can help me keep on this path. What, with Jenn on one side with a bat and Chris on the other, how can I walk anything except a straight line forward?
Friday, April 24, 2009
The Climb
I came to a realization last week, about where I've been, what I'm doing, and where I'm going to go. And I bawled like a little baby over it. *shrug*. It was a good cry, because my eyes have been opened and I can finally see a bit more clearly.
My realization was brought on by a song. A Miley Cyrus song actually titled The Climb. It exactly explains how I feel and how I've felt about my life and what's in it. This first entry is mainly to show you the lyrics, which I've included below.
My realization was brought on by a song. A Miley Cyrus song actually titled The Climb. It exactly explains how I feel and how I've felt about my life and what's in it. This first entry is mainly to show you the lyrics, which I've included below.
The Climb- Miley Cyrus
I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreaming but
There’s a voice inside my head sayin,
You’ll never reach it,
Every step I’m taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
The pain I'm knowing
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It's all about
It's all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
