I never really thought I'd blog. I'm not an overly private person, I don't mind sharing my thoughts with just about anyone. But if there is going to be a permenant record of them, I kind of like to keep them tucked away between my mattress's where no one can see them. I've Journaled off and on my entire life, and not just when school required me too. There's always been something peaceful about writing my thoughts down on paper, and it's a lot less crazy than talking to myself about them aloud. Even in today's tolerant society, people tend to think you're nuts if you start talking to yourself about things. Not that I can blame them really...
Blogging takes private thoughts and makes them public. Not many follow me, and I'm ok with that really. This is more a place for me than it is for anyone else. But it does allow a few people to keep tabs on me, and my mental state as I go through ups and downs in life. I didn't blog during my dad's death. I do not want my feeling and grief laid out for the whole world to see. I do not want people to worry about me if I sound too down, or too high. When it comes to grieving there is no happy medium really. If you're upset, they worry. If you're happy, they worry. So, rather than inflict worry upon my friends, I kept silent, and I will continue to do so. I have people I can reach out to directly if I need a shoulder to cry on, but so far I really don't need one.
But I'm also not pouring my heart out in my blog. I've been hurt too many times to do that, not when the people or person I'm talking about could read it. People are funny creatures, and since we each interpert things differently it leaves too much space open for problems and misinterpertation. This is something I do not want or need in my life right now. For the most part, I am currently happy. I have a few friends, i have a job, and there is a boy who likes me. At this point in my life... what more can I ask for?
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Distance
honestly, nothing bothers me more than distance. It's almost impossible to make something work long term when there's more than a short distance between people. This could be a friendship, or a relationship.. the same logic applies to both.
Yet, I'm stupid enough to try just about anything. I try my hardest to keep communication open with Yum in Australia. Despite the 13 hour time difference, I get up early and stay up late to chat with her for a few minutes. Yeah it makes me more tired and crabby, but it makes me feel good that we chat for a few minutes.
Then there's JP. Oh my word.. that boy has me so smitten with him. I dont know what it is about him, I really dont. He's not my usual type... not tall, stick thin and clean shaven. He's tall, rounder with facial hair... but everytime I look at him I get a big grin and my chest hurts...the good kind of hurt. He made it hurt last night, with 5 simple words "I want to kiss you." I thought my heart stopped for a few seconds.. then I realized I'd been holding my breath. It's been a long time since a boy has caught me like this... well... I almost think I've never been caught quite like this before.
I stayed up too late last night talking to him, that's for sure. When I've got a 6:30am wake up, staying online until 1:30 is probably not a good idea, but I just can't drag myself to bed when he is online. Maybe it's in part because I know he's going to be around less when his net goes, or maybe it's for reasons I do not care to admit publiclly on a blog I know he can find if he wanted to.
So Operation mjp is in full swing. OT has been started at work, money is being stashed away. I will meet this boy, and I will do it this fall. Well, no, I will do it as soon as I absolutely can do it. If that means I work 45 hours a week for the next few months, so be it. I wish I could move sooner rather than later, saving that couple hundred bucks a month would be really handy for this! Once I move, and get the computer paid off, and no extra stupid bills, I could, if the first trip was a success, possily make the trip over every 10 weeks or so. That's a long time to go between seeing someone you like, but it's better than once or twice a year! I've been slightly wary of making this trip in the first place, partly because of all the what if's. But he said to me last night "isn't it worth taking the risk to find out if what's there is someone good" (or that's the jist, I dont have the convo open). Maybe I read too much into it... but it kinda sounds like, just maybe, when I show up.. there's something there.
Oh well... I'm gonna try and not dwell on that too much. Instead, I'm gonna work hard, save some cash.. and if he doesn't want me to come when the time comes.. I'm gonna pick somewhere and go anyways!
*** *** ***
Feeling a little guilty again today. Not so much for the things one would expect tho. Mum and Brandon both have their msn names with RIP dad. I have not put anything up about that since he passed. I mean, I miss him, and I love him.... but I do not feel that I need, or anyone else needs the daily reminder that he's gone. Is this cold hearted? Or just the way I deal with things?
Yet, I'm stupid enough to try just about anything. I try my hardest to keep communication open with Yum in Australia. Despite the 13 hour time difference, I get up early and stay up late to chat with her for a few minutes. Yeah it makes me more tired and crabby, but it makes me feel good that we chat for a few minutes.
Then there's JP. Oh my word.. that boy has me so smitten with him. I dont know what it is about him, I really dont. He's not my usual type... not tall, stick thin and clean shaven. He's tall, rounder with facial hair... but everytime I look at him I get a big grin and my chest hurts...the good kind of hurt. He made it hurt last night, with 5 simple words "I want to kiss you." I thought my heart stopped for a few seconds.. then I realized I'd been holding my breath. It's been a long time since a boy has caught me like this... well... I almost think I've never been caught quite like this before.
I stayed up too late last night talking to him, that's for sure. When I've got a 6:30am wake up, staying online until 1:30 is probably not a good idea, but I just can't drag myself to bed when he is online. Maybe it's in part because I know he's going to be around less when his net goes, or maybe it's for reasons I do not care to admit publiclly on a blog I know he can find if he wanted to.
So Operation mjp is in full swing. OT has been started at work, money is being stashed away. I will meet this boy, and I will do it this fall. Well, no, I will do it as soon as I absolutely can do it. If that means I work 45 hours a week for the next few months, so be it. I wish I could move sooner rather than later, saving that couple hundred bucks a month would be really handy for this! Once I move, and get the computer paid off, and no extra stupid bills, I could, if the first trip was a success, possily make the trip over every 10 weeks or so. That's a long time to go between seeing someone you like, but it's better than once or twice a year! I've been slightly wary of making this trip in the first place, partly because of all the what if's. But he said to me last night "isn't it worth taking the risk to find out if what's there is someone good" (or that's the jist, I dont have the convo open). Maybe I read too much into it... but it kinda sounds like, just maybe, when I show up.. there's something there.
Oh well... I'm gonna try and not dwell on that too much. Instead, I'm gonna work hard, save some cash.. and if he doesn't want me to come when the time comes.. I'm gonna pick somewhere and go anyways!
*** *** ***
Feeling a little guilty again today. Not so much for the things one would expect tho. Mum and Brandon both have their msn names with RIP dad. I have not put anything up about that since he passed. I mean, I miss him, and I love him.... but I do not feel that I need, or anyone else needs the daily reminder that he's gone. Is this cold hearted? Or just the way I deal with things?
Friday, April 23, 2010
Regret...
I honestly do not have that many things in life that I truly regret. I'm the sort of person that does believe that everything happens for a reason, even if I dont think it's fair. That doesn't necessarily mean I don't wish that things were different relating to certain events.
One thing that I did not think I would have any regrets on was not being there when dad died. I said by goodbyes. I went home, sat in the hospital for almost 24 hours, spent time with my mother and my brothers. He was suffering, he was no longer my dad laying there in that bed. I was peaceful with my decision to go back home and back to work.
But last night I had the most awful dreams about dad. He was sick but he was home, and I was there and I had to watch him suffer the entire time. But in my dream he wasn't sedated and out of it, he was awake and angry. He kept trying to hurt me for abandoning him when he needed me the most. It was the sort of dream that picks back up even if you've woken up and gone back to sleep. I don't like these dreams, and the dream has left me feeling guilty and regretful that I didn't suck up the loss and spend the whole week at home with my mother. I knew when I moved away from home that if anything happened to anyone I would not be right there anymore. I was ok with this, or so I thought.
Now, with thoughts of moving away, of finding love and getting married, no matter how far around the world I have to do it... I begin to doubt whether I can go that far away. I've always been super close to my family, but is the "what if" stronger than the "I want" or "I need"? I hope not! I want to branch out, travel, find someone, find love, settle down. I'm not in a huge rush for it all, but sooner the better! After all I'm not getting any younger!
I just hope these dreams dont persist like this! I honesty do not think I can deal with them more than once. I had them a year after I lost the twins, and they were so stressful I started losing my hair. I'm getting to a destressed point in my life, I really do not want to go back the other way!
One thing that I did not think I would have any regrets on was not being there when dad died. I said by goodbyes. I went home, sat in the hospital for almost 24 hours, spent time with my mother and my brothers. He was suffering, he was no longer my dad laying there in that bed. I was peaceful with my decision to go back home and back to work.
But last night I had the most awful dreams about dad. He was sick but he was home, and I was there and I had to watch him suffer the entire time. But in my dream he wasn't sedated and out of it, he was awake and angry. He kept trying to hurt me for abandoning him when he needed me the most. It was the sort of dream that picks back up even if you've woken up and gone back to sleep. I don't like these dreams, and the dream has left me feeling guilty and regretful that I didn't suck up the loss and spend the whole week at home with my mother. I knew when I moved away from home that if anything happened to anyone I would not be right there anymore. I was ok with this, or so I thought.
Now, with thoughts of moving away, of finding love and getting married, no matter how far around the world I have to do it... I begin to doubt whether I can go that far away. I've always been super close to my family, but is the "what if" stronger than the "I want" or "I need"? I hope not! I want to branch out, travel, find someone, find love, settle down. I'm not in a huge rush for it all, but sooner the better! After all I'm not getting any younger!
I just hope these dreams dont persist like this! I honesty do not think I can deal with them more than once. I had them a year after I lost the twins, and they were so stressful I started losing my hair. I'm getting to a destressed point in my life, I really do not want to go back the other way!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Day after...
Well almost 24 hours has elapsed since my utter break down.. and yet.. I don't really feel much better.
I guess I probably have my hopes up for something that will never come to fruition. I mean, he's 3000km away, 2 time zones different... and just a little out of my reach. That doesn't mean I'm going to enjoy it all right now, but in reality what chance do I have of ever actually getting him?
I've been listening to a semi new artist named Orianthi. She's an aussie, played with Michael Jackson. And I really like her lyrics. They hit home for me.
But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible,
he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you.
and that's just one. But Sigh... back to the whole... out of reach topic. I guess this is going to turn into a bunch of posts whining about JP.
I guess I probably have my hopes up for something that will never come to fruition. I mean, he's 3000km away, 2 time zones different... and just a little out of my reach. That doesn't mean I'm going to enjoy it all right now, but in reality what chance do I have of ever actually getting him?
I've been listening to a semi new artist named Orianthi. She's an aussie, played with Michael Jackson. And I really like her lyrics. They hit home for me.
But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible,
he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you.
and that's just one. But Sigh... back to the whole... out of reach topic. I guess this is going to turn into a bunch of posts whining about JP.
Selfish
I should be asleep, but, mom had me on the phone late, and now i'm just not as tired as I was an hour ago.
I'm having a selfish night. Today started out wonderful. I was alert, walked to work, happy day.... and then it all went downhill.
I don't know if I've ever officially mentioned Evony before on here, but it's an online game that I play. I thought, that since I have no life, it would be a good way to keep myself occupied. Well, it's done more than that, and I've made some wonderful online friends. A few have even come off the screen and into a little bit more of the real friend section.
I don't make friends. I have very few because I can't handle the disappointment that they always bring me. In fact, the longest I've ever had a friend that I see all the time and can still half stand, since graduating high school is 3 years. Just happens to be my current roommate. Next would be Gwen, with Jenn trailing cause she moved away on me (borderline my issue with friends).
But then I started playing game. I met Flipflop, Leo, Bart, Urfuct, then Dhead, Kass, Britt, Wayne... then Swif and Yum. A few have become daily staples in my life (Urfuct, Swif, Yum) others have left me (Kass, Dhead, Bart, Leo, Britt) for real life, or other game options. the others are there, just silent.
Today two of my daily staples informed me they will be stepping out. Not because they want to, but because life has gotten in the way. Yum will be moving away for a few months, which means she wont be in game. Because she lives in another time zone, it's already hard for us to talk, now, we just wont. This saddens me, because out of all the people I've ever met, we seem to have a same basic level that's hard to find. Yeah, she's a successful college graduate, and i'm just me... but we clicked. If she does go (it's not set in stone) I'm going to miss her. It's a good opportunity, one she needs.. yet... I don't want her to go.
Next is Urfuct (JP from previous posts). He's leaving his job/being let go. this means (from what I gather) no cell phone, no mobile net card.. nothing. This means I have no means of communication with him. This would be fine, except I like him. And he likes me. The sort of like that has caused travel to be discussed. Now, all that is done. Not only because funds aren't there, but because he's going to MIA for who knows how long. While I can certainly miss him, I'm afraid my affection for him, and his for me will fade. This is terrifying for me.. because I know how deep the affection runs for me. He's told me he adores me, but honestly... I have not met him face to face to see him when he says that... I don't know if my heart is ready to fully believe it. And with that much time, and space, and lack of communication... I'm just afraid.
See, today has been a very selfish day. An emotional, selfish day. I don't do the "me me me me me" thing a lot, I'm not important enough. But damn, especially with JP.... I feel like having one of those moments.
And people wonder why I have no life and no friends? Well folks, this is why. The less people you let in, the less times you can be disappointed when life changes on you.
and since at least Yum will probably read this, and kick my ass tomorrow, I should probably disappear. Tomorrow is day one of overtime for me. Hopefully by the time JP comes back around I'll have worked enough hours to say "I'm coming to visit". Sigh.. I wish that it was tomorrow... :(
I'm having a selfish night. Today started out wonderful. I was alert, walked to work, happy day.... and then it all went downhill.
I don't know if I've ever officially mentioned Evony before on here, but it's an online game that I play. I thought, that since I have no life, it would be a good way to keep myself occupied. Well, it's done more than that, and I've made some wonderful online friends. A few have even come off the screen and into a little bit more of the real friend section.
I don't make friends. I have very few because I can't handle the disappointment that they always bring me. In fact, the longest I've ever had a friend that I see all the time and can still half stand, since graduating high school is 3 years. Just happens to be my current roommate. Next would be Gwen, with Jenn trailing cause she moved away on me (borderline my issue with friends).
But then I started playing game. I met Flipflop, Leo, Bart, Urfuct, then Dhead, Kass, Britt, Wayne... then Swif and Yum. A few have become daily staples in my life (Urfuct, Swif, Yum) others have left me (Kass, Dhead, Bart, Leo, Britt) for real life, or other game options. the others are there, just silent.
Today two of my daily staples informed me they will be stepping out. Not because they want to, but because life has gotten in the way. Yum will be moving away for a few months, which means she wont be in game. Because she lives in another time zone, it's already hard for us to talk, now, we just wont. This saddens me, because out of all the people I've ever met, we seem to have a same basic level that's hard to find. Yeah, she's a successful college graduate, and i'm just me... but we clicked. If she does go (it's not set in stone) I'm going to miss her. It's a good opportunity, one she needs.. yet... I don't want her to go.
Next is Urfuct (JP from previous posts). He's leaving his job/being let go. this means (from what I gather) no cell phone, no mobile net card.. nothing. This means I have no means of communication with him. This would be fine, except I like him. And he likes me. The sort of like that has caused travel to be discussed. Now, all that is done. Not only because funds aren't there, but because he's going to MIA for who knows how long. While I can certainly miss him, I'm afraid my affection for him, and his for me will fade. This is terrifying for me.. because I know how deep the affection runs for me. He's told me he adores me, but honestly... I have not met him face to face to see him when he says that... I don't know if my heart is ready to fully believe it. And with that much time, and space, and lack of communication... I'm just afraid.
See, today has been a very selfish day. An emotional, selfish day. I don't do the "me me me me me" thing a lot, I'm not important enough. But damn, especially with JP.... I feel like having one of those moments.
And people wonder why I have no life and no friends? Well folks, this is why. The less people you let in, the less times you can be disappointed when life changes on you.
and since at least Yum will probably read this, and kick my ass tomorrow, I should probably disappear. Tomorrow is day one of overtime for me. Hopefully by the time JP comes back around I'll have worked enough hours to say "I'm coming to visit". Sigh.. I wish that it was tomorrow... :(
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