What the heart wants

Popped my head phones on for a few minutes a little bit ago and the first song that played was "The Outside" by Taylor Swift. A sweet simple love song about a girl standing on the outside of what she wants and not being able to get in and get what she wants the most. I sort of relate to this song.

I've talked a lot in blogs about ex's and all their screw ups. What I've never talked about is the one person who knows me so well that it's scary, that I get worried when I don't hear from them, who I love with all my heart. We became friends by chance, and I'm glad that it happened. I should remind him he still has a book of mine that I lent him in 2005 and he should bring it down and give it to me... screw the book, I want to see him!

We met while working at Sobeys together, and he had a little flig with my roommate at the time. That's how I spoke to him. Well, he spoke to me. He was sitting on the couch with her watching tv, and I was behind them on the computer. He must have been bored, or she left the room, because he turned around and started talking to me. I'm not sure how I even managed to get out two words, because I'd caught those pretty green (I still have no idea their actual color, they're contacts) eyes of his and I was lost. Nothing could ever happen, I was in a relationship and then when I wasn't he'd moved away. Now he's away, and I'm still in love with him.

There's so much more I can say, but I don't know how much of my heart I'm ready to lay out in a public blog at this point. But here's the song, maybe I'll add more to this subject another time.

"The Outside"

I didn't know what I would find
When I went looking for a reason, I know
I didn't read between the lines
And, baby, I've got nowhere to go
I tried to take the road less traveled by
But nothing seems to work the first few times
Am I right?

[Chorus:]

So how can I ever try to be better?
Nobody ever lets me in
I can still see you, this ain't the best view
On the outside looking in
I've been a lot of lonely places
I've never been on the outside

You saw me there, but never knew
I would give it all up to be
A part of this, a part of you
And now it's all too late so you see
You could've helped if you had wanted to
But no one notices until it's too
Late to do anything

[Repeat Chorus]

So how can I ever try to be better?
Nobody ever lets me in
I can still see you, this ain't the best view
On the outside looking in
I've been a lot of lonely places
I've never been on the outside

Today will be a good calorie day

I'm in so much stomach discomfort I wouldn't even dream of putting food in there right now. I feel like I have a hard lump in the middle of my stomach. Water and soup seem to go around it, but nothing is making it move. Sigh.

So I'm going to stick with soup today, maybe boil up some of the carrot matchsticks in the fridge and eat those with a boiled potato later... who knows. I know I'm hungry, starving actually, but I still feel so sick!

I'm beginning to worry about how I'm going on vacation this summer. I'm losing a day a pay right now, 11 hours so far this week, and the week only started yesterday! I'm sure I can do it if I stop wasting my money, but that's easier said than done. I did figure out that if work works with me, I will get in 30 hours out of my usual 75 the week that I'm gone... so I'm not losing 2 full week, which is a bit of a relief. At least that will pay my insurance and the loan payment. BIG RELIEF!

I've only been up for 3 hours, I'm bored out of my tree. I have managed to burn some of the most important stuff off my hard drive, most of it is now free. I just need to dig out the rest of the CD's in my closet and try and fit the wedding photos (I can delete the ones from Tim, I have those on CD somewhere so I need to find 8bg of cd space.. I'll sacrifice the music. Since there's a chance that Dell won't replace the drive (it's away from the overheating fan so should be fine), I just want to make sure the irreplaceable (my photos and writing) are safe.

This also unfortunately means no exercise today... I just don't feel up to it. Maybe later I'll go out and turn on a movie and use the bike, but I make absolutely no guarantee. LOL.

Wish me better people!

This diet thing is HARD

wow, so I skipped the weekend because I'm sure the alcohol I consumed was my daily calories alone (I'd like to add that I had 900 calories of rum and 1000 calories of sambuca, not counting my mix. FUCK) So I'm back at it today. It's hard to find lunch food that I can have easily at work that's not 900 calories or 12 WW points! It's daunting. Only reason I'm going to stay under my points today is because I got let go from work and didn't eat the meal. I'm saving it for tomorrow (when I don't have any snack food at work).

The walking is going well though. I walked to work all three shifts last week, then walked Friday and Saturday. Took Sunday off to rest (aka felt sick as shit and stayed on the couch all day). And I walked to and from today. I may try and coax Chris into a walk tonight to add more to the calories burned. Right now I'm burning about 700 calories more than I'm eating a day, which is awesome.

I'm allowed 1200 calories a day. Walking to work burns between 150 and 200 calories. Walking home burns 500 calories. I burn roughly 1000 calories a day when I'm doing nothing (gotta love our bodies eh?) , 500 when I sleep. So with out any exercise if I eat right, I burn 300 calories more than I eat. That plus my exercise means I should be burning about 1000 calories a day, 3500 burned =1lb lost. so if anyone is doing the math I should be losing 2lbs or more a week as long as I am actually giving my body enough calories through food to burn (I wish it could just burn off the fat cells in my belly before it did the food... but that's just wishful thinking). If I can actually keep this up, and see the 2lb change each week, by summer vacation I'll have lost 20lbs and 2 pant sizes!

Hmmm... if I keep this up I may not be able to hide from the boys anymore, Chris will be beating them away from the windows.... wait... he'd enjoy that, and I'd enjoy watching it... so maybe this is a good thing.

Inspirational Song of the Day:

And the regime begins...

Decided today that enough is enough. I'm tired of being fat. I want this belly gone, and I want it gone NOW.

LOL... since I know instant gratification isn't going to happen, I'm going to work on it. I've registered with myfitnesspal.com and mapmywalk.com and I'm going to track my calories and my exercise. I've signed up for a few challenges, including walking 40km in 30 days (which I can do in my sleep) and trying to get more sleep at night.

I'm determined this time. This will work! I'd like to lose 2" in the next 6 weeks, 3 before I leave for Newfoundland in July. I've got a pair of pants laid out on my bed and I'm going to fit into them properly before we go. I'm not going to starve myself, I'm not going to workout until I hurt myself. I'm going to do it right. 1200 calories or 23 WW points a day, and try and burn 1400 calories a week (walking home from work I burn it in less than 4 days). I can do this.

So consider this my notice. Say goodbye to the Ashley you know and get ready to say hello to a brand new one! My new motto: "walking off my weight, one step at a time".

Wish me luck. Feel free to poke me, kick me or burn my ass to help me!

Here's my progress!
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v122/LarienAshley/Weight%20Loss%20week%20x%20week/Bellyweekbyweek.jpg

If bad things come in threes....

then mine come in multiples of three. Garrett gets fired, Brandon gets fired, Dad goes a little bit crazier and runs off with the car, and Tori's grandfather has a stroke and is on life support with no hope. OI!

Other than that life's not to shabby. Found out this week I'm going to take my first vacation in 11 summers in July, back to Newfoundland (which was also my last vacation). I'm quite excited about it, though still wondering how I'm going to pay for it. I have a few ideas, I don't mind falling behind in my cell phone, but the rest of the bills kinda can't get skipped. Stupid bills!

Odd, I had a whole big blog post thought up, and now there's nothing in my head (no comments from the peanut gallery)... hopefully next time!

Happy Mother's Day....

Mother's day is always a bitter sweet day for me. Not only am I not able to see my own mother on this day most years, I'm not even able to see the sweet angels that made me able to celebrate this day myself! Just another one of life's cruel acts I suppose. *shrug*. Is it sad I'm starting to get used to those?


Ok, back to my reason for writing. I'm not sure just how many of the people who know me, know that I am a mother. There were very few that knew I was pregnant back home, there are even less who knew I was pregnant a second time. It wasn't that I was hiding it from them, it's just that it happened, got messy and was over in such a short time, less than 30 days. I can still remember when I was considering abortion a family friend taking me in her arms and saying, "you don't do no harm to that baby. You bring her into this world and we will all love her just as we love you. And we will help her and we will help you get through all of this." At first I was offended, because I was still very angry at my body that it would even get pregnant in the first place, but as time wore on, and well after the pregnancy had ended I took comfort in her words. I woudln't have been alone as I'd feared, I would have had the love and support of a very large extended family when the time came.


Maybe I should explain the back story.


Matthew William Roger and Mark Bernard Scott were born into heaven on August 24th 2005 after 9weeks 2 days on this earth. They were concieved, admittedly, by mistake on July 4th 2005. Right from the very start their father did not want them, and after ten days of me refusing abortion we broke up. Not the best time for that to happen, but eh Shit Happens. My first ultrasound was scheduled the first week of August, and it showed the usual fetal pole and sac, no official baby yet. That sort of put me on edge, because I was over 6 weeks at this point. I went back a week later and it showed a baby, heartbeat and all, and a 2nd fetal pole and sac. No fucking way.. TWINS? Yea, as if I wasn't stressed enough with one. My doctor sat me down and explained the ultrasounds. We'd talked abortion in the first appointment I'd had. She told me that the techs wanted more scans, because the babies were SERIOUSLY behind schedule for my LMP and the only weekend they could have been conceived on. Along with my blood work being out of whack, spotting from the date of confirmation, and the techs opinion, she did not think it was a viable pregnancy. She recomended termination.
The day my pregnancy with them ended another ultrasound confirmed her suspicions. The baby with the heartbeat no longer had one, and the other's was in the 60bmp range. MUCH too slow for a 9 week baby. To complicate matters, they shared one placenta, they were identical. The sided with my doctor's opinion, and my pregnancy ended. I found out, almost three years later, that both babies had a chromosomal disorder known as Trisomy 8 complete. They were doomed from the moment conception happened.


Mattie Anne was born into heaven on April 7th 2008 after a very rocky and confusing 8 weeks on this earth. Like my first pregnancy, it was unplanned, I was even using birth control. Her father, like her brothers, wanted absolutely nothing to do with her. Her story is slightly different though. I got a positive pregnancy test on March 9th 2008, and proceeded to start my period the following day. I assumed it was a chemical pregnancy and let it slide. However, I felt off through the following month, and he insisted I test again. He left on a trip for work on the Saturday before she was lost, and I promised I'd test Monday morning. Which I did, and it was a very faint positive. No darker than the month before. An hour later, as I was preparing to leave for a doctor's appointment a sharp pain hit me and I knew exactly what was happening.
ten minutes later I prepared the tiny, yet perfectly formed body of my daughter for the trip to Halifax. I wanted to know why she'd died. Only four days later, rather fast I had thought, I was told that the baby I'd taken for testing was a little girl, perfectly formed for 8 weeks gestation, and there was absolutly nothing wrong with her genetically. however, she had a very small mass of what should have been her placenta, and even less lining attached. Their conclusion was the birth control had thinned my lining (whcih would make sense, because my periods were lighter), making it impossible for a proper placenta to form and she hadn't been able to survive. It didn't help that I'd actually hand a period and robbed her of part of that lining after implantation, stupid Nuva Ring.


So there you have it, the short, but very sweet stories of my children. Their story isn't unique, in fact It would shock the general public to see just how many miscarriages happen, and how many women have multiple ones. Some with no viable pregnancys, others with many.


But regardless, these women, like me, are mothers. So if you know anyone who's had a miscarriage, or a stillbirth, or lost a baby or a child, remember... Just because our children are not here in our arms with us on Mother's Day, does not make us any less of a mother. No loss is a little loss. So to all my Pregnancy Loss Ladies that may happen across this today: Remember, we are mothers, and we love our babies, and today, is our day too.


Hugs and Much Love,
Ashley
and my angels Matthew, Mark and Mattie