Fallen...

Yes, last weekend I was pretty sure JP and I were nothing. Yes, I'm aware I change my mine faster than Canadian weather. I take full responsibility for the events going the way they did, and we're over them.

The point behind this (slightly drunken) post, is simple. I fell tonight. No, I didn't stumble and hurt myself (did that last week, torn ligaments and all). No, I fell for JP. I'm tired of fighting it. If I get hurt, I get hurt, so be it. But I'm going to enjoy what I have now with him, and hope (maybe even pray) for what could come. There is something special about this boy, something I haven't found in a person in.. well.. ever. Sweet, kind, funny.. he has it all. I don't know what's going to happen when he makes the trip over here. And I don't know how I'm going to handle it when he leaves. But I'm going to take it one step at a time and enjoy it.

So world.. I have fallen for a boy. And I'm going to throw my arms wide, tip my head back and enjoy the rush of the wind... and one day when I land.. I pray it's in his arms.

Over?

call me immature if you want. call me indecisive. but right now i'm so hurt I do not know what to do with myself.

I've definitely read too much in to JP. And now I'm hurting because of it.

Maybe when I'm not over emotional, i'll elaborate.

Desires...

the way that life works for me, isn't always a good thing. There is so much that I want to have, or would like to have, or wish to have, and I often wonder just how much, if any of it, I will ever have happen. Some of them are basic wishes, others seem to be a little weirder.

My basic desires are pretty much straightforward for "most" women. I say most because there are some out there that really do not want them. These would be a man, and kids. Notice the wording I used. Man and Kids rather than husband and kids. I say this because I do not believe that you should have to get married to have children, if you dont want to. That's not saying marriage isn't something I dont want... because it is. However, as I creep towards 30 (3.5 years now), the desire for children has started to outweigh the desire for a white dress and "i do's". For some people, the vows come first, which I understand.. but if that's the case I'd like to get them out of the way asap!

I'm really starting to feel the pull for kids. My aunt's due with her 2nd baby in the next 3 weeks. MY AUNT. Not a sister, or a cousin, but my aunt who's 16 years my senior. Since her first was born in 2003 I have had 6 miscarriages. Yes I have reason for them all, nothing too serious (birth control is NOT my friend) and nothing my fault.. but I've still had an opportunity to love and carry a baby and had it ripped away. To put it gently I'm so jealous of my aunt that I'll have problems not running away with her baby once she's here. I'm 26, going on 27. I'm single, I have no official prospects for a man... and I dont have the heart to go out and look for one. I'm going to blame JP for that, becuase god dammit I want him and he's too damn far away for me to do anything about it! But it's getting harder and harder to not want to go and start having a slew of one night stands with out protection, lying to the guys saying I'm on something just to get knocked up. Not a good way to go, I know this, which is why I've never done it... but the appeal is there!

JP and I have been having some problems communicating lately. Stupid stuff ticks me off (not just him, works straight across the board from men to family to friends, to ppl I dont know), and it's hard to stay calm and feel rational. I hold people to their word. You say you'll do it, you better do it or give me a damn good reason (and some notice) as to why. I dont care what he does or where he goes, but if he says "I'll talk to you tomorrow" I want to either talk to him, or hear from him saying he wont be around... with the 2 hour time difference it's almost necessary to avoid me ruining an entire evening or staying up late when I dont have to. He probably feels like I want him to check in, but really.. I dont. I know better than to ask a guy to check in for something, especially one I'm not dating. That's suicide, and I'm not suicidial at the moment! Just dont want to sit around and wait when nothing's going to happen.

This disagreement, tho it seems to have been dealt with and handled (I think..), makes me very nervous about talking to him. Yes, I'm the one who got upset, but when I explained it to him he was obviously annoyed with me. I like this boy, a lot. In fact, if he lived here, I'd be willing to throw away the love of my single life for him. He's a guy, he's going to mess up and be a guy. Nothing that I can do about that. But where he's so far away it puts me on eggshells. I dont want to fight with him. I want to get to know him, get comfortable and pray that we get to meet at some point. Since OT isn't available at work anymore, it's almost up to him to come here and see me because it's just not possible for me to save up the $1200 between now and the end of the year.

In short, I feel like the only "wishful prospect" has gone. I know he hasn't, but I've just got a feeling my words may have ruined it all. I'm gonna back off him a little see if he is still interested. He did talk to me last night for an hour or so, but it seemed strained. That could be just me, but we'll have to see where it goes. I really hope that this can be gotten beyond, I really do like him. I'm no longer afraid to say I'm falling for him, because that would be lying. I haven't fallen yet, but I'm certain should he try and pack me in a suitcase I wont fuss as long as he remembers to grab my camera and my wallet. This still scares me a little, I've spent 2 years avoiding guys... but there's just something a little different about him. *sigh* I'm allowed to dream.. shut up.

******

The route home from work has me feeling a little bitter right now. It seems like everywhere I go I see teen moms or young ppl sporting obvious engagement rings. I know that envy is not appealing.. but god dammit! I'm older, I want it too! Gerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Settled

I'm feeling better today. Things got bad, very very bad.. but they've settled out. I'll write more tomorrow...

Change of Heart

I love when things come around and right themselves! No more freaking out for me... having a lil bit of a change of heart from last night. Nothing I hate more than being told something and another happen... totally changes my opinion of someone.

Thanks JP.


if this change of heart is a good thing.. why the hell am I in tears?

****

Now that I've calmed down a little... I dont think I've had a change of heart.. but I am hurt. however, when I went top edit this post I found a post I thought had been lost during a glitch.. I never thought to look in drafts. I wrote this way back in December or January.. and it made me feel bad for being angry with him over something like this (January 10th). Doesn't mean I have to like what happened tonight. Doesn't mean I'm not going to explain to him why I'm upset. Doesn't mean a lot of things. But what it does mean is I think I like him enough to ignore it.

This is why:

"the reason I do not like to like people....

is because things always go wrong. I often wonder why I even bother trying.

I've been avoiding updating my blog because someone has the link, and I do not want to talk about them when they can see it. I save that for private chats with other friends. But after several days of being shunned, I need to get his off of my chest.

Well world, well JP, if you're reading this, you're about to get a good look into my mind. Folks, I like a boy. I like him a lot. I have no FUCKING idea why I like him most of the time, because he can be the biggest prick, asshole, concieted idiot I've ever met. but then I get him privately, and he changes. He's sweet, talented, driven and friendly. However, I've not seen that side of him in almost 2 months. I miss that side of him. I get butterflies when I talk to him, I get sad when he's mean, I cry if he insults me (even if he's picking), I get excited when i see him online.

He doesn't live here, he lives half way across the country and down a little. I'd love to meet him. But right now he's not even talking to me, or to anyone. I keep being told it's not my fault, that he's got issues. Which I don't doubt. However, I'd thought of him as a friend before, and apparenlty that was my problem. Friends don't disappear lie this.

This has left me in a tight spot. Do I wait it out, or do I let it go? I promised another friend I'd give him a week, it's been 3 days and I'm already going crazy! 7 days is going to be next to impossible. I hope he comes around, and at least replies to a message. I really miss him....

and that's all I've got to say for now, I'm sure there will be more.

JP if you're reading this, email me. Even a 'leave me alone' would be helpful right now. I miss you."

Uh oh...

it's happening. I can feel it.

I'm not ready for this. Someone make it stop. Please.. I BEG YOU! I'm having a minor freak out here people! Yes, I know I'm ready for this on one level, but so not ready for it on many other levels!

It needs to happen to him first, it can't be me. It's always me!

Early morning tears....

Today did not start off in a good way. Well, in reality it did, I was talking with JP at just after midnight. But once he said good night and I crawled back into bed, the night wasn't so great.

I had a dream last night. It seems like it was my HS graduation or something, I was looking for clothing. Tho the outfit was cute, it was easy to tell from the size alone that I wasn't really me in the dream, or at least not the real me. And really, not even the me I'd like to look like one day.. a lil on the small side. But the main focus of the dream was me trying to be someone I'm not, and my family watching me do it. By the end of the dream I was sitting in the back seat of some old huge car with Dad. He wasn't dad, but the sick old man that we saw last going off. And he just kept looking at me. Like he couldn't figure out who I was at all. I hate these dreams, because they make me realize that I was home so infrequently that he really didn't know who I was anymore. *pout*.

And then I ended up benig smacked with a song on my way to work. I love the song "Open your eyes." by Daughtry, I have since his CD came out. When I acutally listened to the words this morning, for the first time since dad passed away, I cried. Like big tears on my cheeks as I walked to work. This is not the way that I want to start my mornings! Ugh.

So my day started on a high, went down very very low. Hopefully it will come back up a little as the day goes on. If it doesn't, the weekend isn't looking very promising for me!

Communication

When your only forms of readily communication are text messaging and instant messaging, it's no wonder things to awry. Last night was terrible. JP's in a mood cause of work, which I understand. I'm in full blown nightmare PMS, which I think he understands. But this means we're butting heads left and right at a difficult time. It's not that we're mad at each other, we just can't seem to get our points across due to the muddled lines.

But last night was a rough night on me. I understand things are tough at work for him. But, this went back to the early days of us knowing each other where the comments seemed so serious that they were slightly hurtful. I know I'm over sensitive, but I don't like having to read between the lines of things when there are problems. It was so bad that at one point I laid in bed crying because I was so confused. And it didn't help that 2 minutes later my cell phone went off with a text from him. That went on for an hour. It wasn't like I was going to be able to sleep anyways, but the texts were no clearer than the earlier IM convo! *headdesk, headdesk, headdesk* The last text of the night did bring me some peace "I want you here". Oh dear boy, if I could be there, I would be there in a heart beat.

That's the tough part I guess. I want to be there with him or have him here with me. And we just can't. He's got work, I've got work. And now that I've applied for school it's not like I can up and move until next summer even if he asked me to (which I know he wont, but anyways). School tho will give me a diploma in Business Mangement, which means I may actually be able to get a job and function in the world outside of a damn call center! I don't really know what I'll do with the course, but it will open doors for me and I'll actuall get to see what's out there for ppl like me. It will also give me a better leg up in the whole world should I decide to up and leave Canada. Trying to gain entry to any other country, with out an education looks impossible unless you're getting married. And I don't think I'm quite ready for that yet.

Not saying it's not far off. That's my only real reservation for wanting to meet JP. I'm ready to settle. I want to fall in love, get married, have children and be happy for the rest of my life, or however long I'm meant to be happy for. Right now I'm at a stand still. I'm not looking for anyone, because I have the desire to wait and meet him. Not to say I'm going to turn down Mr.Right if he ran me over on the sidewalk, but I'm not actively looking or dating. As far as I know, he's not either.. but I do know he's said he won't make promises that he won't meet someone in the same accidental way described. It gives my life another air of uncertainty. For the moment I'm ok with that. I should start my course on July 7th or so, and it runs for a full 52 weeks. I can't balance work, friends, school and a guy who's demanding my attention out of the house. But after that.. then what?

I'm probably reading a lot more into this whole thing with JP than I need to. But I've been so lonely for so long, I'm ready to allow myself to be jaded for a little while. But maybe I'm not being jaded, because I LIKE him, a lot. Maybe I'm content to sit here and wait a little because it's him that I want, not someone else. Guess I'm just gonna have to be patient.. I'm always in such a rush for things that I ruin them. Someone chain me to the wall and give me a chew toy?

School...

decided to stop putting it all off, and I applied for my Distance Education course. If I can get student loan funding to cover it, I will be staring a Computerized business management course in July. This is exciting!

Feeling...

I find it odd, ironic even, that the girl who wants nothing more than to fall in love, is afraid of feelings. In fact, it can bring me to a fit of giggles that will last for twenty minutes.

I have feelings for JP. There is no doubt about it. He is sweet, and charming, and obviously likes me as much as I like him. But the distance between us puts up a wall for me, one part of me wants to scale, the other part wants me to run and hide behind it so he cannot see me. It brings back a deja vu from Kris, ever tho the situation is different. Kris had Sarah, JP does not have anyone in his life (that he's admitted to anyways lol). Kris was 700km away, JP is 2900km away. Kris was a farm boy, JP is a country boy. The main kicker tho, is the lack of a woman in his life, and this gives me urges, and desires for him that I didn't have for Kris.

Long story made short, I could fall for JP so fast. Fast enough to make me motion sick. He made the comment (in reply to my falling fast comment) the other night "I already have, I'm just waiting to land." I really hate to make assumptions on the things that he says, because that could set me up for a huge crash landing, the bad kind. But he told me last night, that my assumptions are probably correct to start with. Internet relationships, even of the friendship kind are always rocky. There isn't much that can be done about them really, unless someone is willing to take the leap and do something about it. Both of us seem to want to make this leap, it's just not the right time, and it's just not easy!

At this point, I'm not sure if I want to hide the fact that I'm falling for him from him. I have been trying, but I know I sent him a half asleep mail last night about it.
"you... do you have any idea how hard you are making it to not fall absolutely head over heels for you? I've wanted to say that to you for a while now but i was afraid of scaring you off. But as i laid in bed with my heart racing, my chest hurting i realized just how easy it would be to close my eyes and jump. And even though i should be sleeping...i just had to get it out there."
I want to fall for him. He, so far, is exactly what I've been looking for my entire life. I've had issues with age, and type of work, and body size for years.. and tho he doesn't fit into my past "ideals" he is what I want. He is WHO I want. But I'm so afraid to fall for him and for things to go wrong. It would be just my luck to finally give in and let myself fall, and care, and possibly (can't belive I'm gonna say this word) love him, and for things to go insanely wrong. I just dont know if I'm strong enough to handle that anymore.

And it will be my luck when he logs in tonight and says he read all this. It will either scare him away, or make him come closer. I just want this summer and fall to go by faster and for him to come here so I can meet him! I know once I have met him things are only going to get harder, because he will have to go back home, and go back to his normal life. And that's going to tear me up inside, but it will be worth it. So very very worth it.

Fear...

I never thought, when I found someone I truly believed to be Mr. Right.. that I'd be filled with absolute fear over it. My brain automatically jumps back to "all men are awful and will hurt you." even tho I feel deep down that's not the truth.

JP is becoming more open with me each time we talk. It's obvious that the attraction between is us not just physical. Sweet words are exchanged, and desires that have nothing to do with sex. And they absoutely frighten me! Maybe it's partly the distance, maybe it's the fact that nothing lasts more than a few months for me. But I want the feeling to go away! No one has ever treated me like he does. He's sweet, and generous and sexy as hell. I love his accent, his jokes, his compliments. He's everything personality wise that I've been wanting to find my whole life! The easy "click" that we've had is probably what scares me, but the length of time it's taken to get to this point should reassure me.. especially when there are several months left before we finally get to take the plunge and meet.

I just want to wake up and go "I'm ok with this, I love this, I want this." Right now i'm still in the "OMG, what the hell is going on... I want him."

Blogging

I never really thought I'd blog. I'm not an overly private person, I don't mind sharing my thoughts with just about anyone. But if there is going to be a permenant record of them, I kind of like to keep them tucked away between my mattress's where no one can see them. I've Journaled off and on my entire life, and not just when school required me too. There's always been something peaceful about writing my thoughts down on paper, and it's a lot less crazy than talking to myself about them aloud. Even in today's tolerant society, people tend to think you're nuts if you start talking to yourself about things. Not that I can blame them really...

Blogging takes private thoughts and makes them public. Not many follow me, and I'm ok with that really. This is more a place for me than it is for anyone else. But it does allow a few people to keep tabs on me, and my mental state as I go through ups and downs in life. I didn't blog during my dad's death. I do not want my feeling and grief laid out for the whole world to see. I do not want people to worry about me if I sound too down, or too high. When it comes to grieving there is no happy medium really. If you're upset, they worry. If you're happy, they worry. So, rather than inflict worry upon my friends, I kept silent, and I will continue to do so. I have people I can reach out to directly if I need a shoulder to cry on, but so far I really don't need one.

But I'm also not pouring my heart out in my blog. I've been hurt too many times to do that, not when the people or person I'm talking about could read it. People are funny creatures, and since we each interpert things differently it leaves too much space open for problems and misinterpertation. This is something I do not want or need in my life right now. For the most part, I am currently happy. I have a few friends, i have a job, and there is a boy who likes me. At this point in my life... what more can I ask for?

Distance

honestly, nothing bothers me more than distance. It's almost impossible to make something work long term when there's more than a short distance between people. This could be a friendship, or a relationship.. the same logic applies to both.

Yet, I'm stupid enough to try just about anything. I try my hardest to keep communication open with Yum in Australia. Despite the 13 hour time difference, I get up early and stay up late to chat with her for a few minutes. Yeah it makes me more tired and crabby, but it makes me feel good that we chat for a few minutes.

Then there's JP. Oh my word.. that boy has me so smitten with him. I dont know what it is about him, I really dont. He's not my usual type... not tall, stick thin and clean shaven. He's tall, rounder with facial hair... but everytime I look at him I get a big grin and my chest hurts...the good kind of hurt. He made it hurt last night, with 5 simple words "I want to kiss you." I thought my heart stopped for a few seconds.. then I realized I'd been holding my breath. It's been a long time since a boy has caught me like this... well... I almost think I've never been caught quite like this before.

I stayed up too late last night talking to him, that's for sure. When I've got a 6:30am wake up, staying online until 1:30 is probably not a good idea, but I just can't drag myself to bed when he is online. Maybe it's in part because I know he's going to be around less when his net goes, or maybe it's for reasons I do not care to admit publiclly on a blog I know he can find if he wanted to.

So Operation mjp is in full swing. OT has been started at work, money is being stashed away. I will meet this boy, and I will do it this fall. Well, no, I will do it as soon as I absolutely can do it. If that means I work 45 hours a week for the next few months, so be it. I wish I could move sooner rather than later, saving that couple hundred bucks a month would be really handy for this! Once I move, and get the computer paid off, and no extra stupid bills, I could, if the first trip was a success, possily make the trip over every 10 weeks or so. That's a long time to go between seeing someone you like, but it's better than once or twice a year! I've been slightly wary of making this trip in the first place, partly because of all the what if's. But he said to me last night "isn't it worth taking the risk to find out if what's there is someone good" (or that's the jist, I dont have the convo open). Maybe I read too much into it... but it kinda sounds like, just maybe, when I show up.. there's something there.

Oh well... I'm gonna try and not dwell on that too much. Instead, I'm gonna work hard, save some cash.. and if he doesn't want me to come when the time comes.. I'm gonna pick somewhere and go anyways!

*** *** ***

Feeling a little guilty again today. Not so much for the things one would expect tho. Mum and Brandon both have their msn names with RIP dad. I have not put anything up about that since he passed. I mean, I miss him, and I love him.... but I do not feel that I need, or anyone else needs the daily reminder that he's gone. Is this cold hearted? Or just the way I deal with things?

Regret...

I honestly do not have that many things in life that I truly regret. I'm the sort of person that does believe that everything happens for a reason, even if I dont think it's fair. That doesn't necessarily mean I don't wish that things were different relating to certain events.

One thing that I did not think I would have any regrets on was not being there when dad died. I said by goodbyes. I went home, sat in the hospital for almost 24 hours, spent time with my mother and my brothers. He was suffering, he was no longer my dad laying there in that bed. I was peaceful with my decision to go back home and back to work.

But last night I had the most awful dreams about dad. He was sick but he was home, and I was there and I had to watch him suffer the entire time. But in my dream he wasn't sedated and out of it, he was awake and angry. He kept trying to hurt me for abandoning him when he needed me the most. It was the sort of dream that picks back up even if you've woken up and gone back to sleep. I don't like these dreams, and the dream has left me feeling guilty and regretful that I didn't suck up the loss and spend the whole week at home with my mother. I knew when I moved away from home that if anything happened to anyone I would not be right there anymore. I was ok with this, or so I thought.

Now, with thoughts of moving away, of finding love and getting married, no matter how far around the world I have to do it... I begin to doubt whether I can go that far away. I've always been super close to my family, but is the "what if" stronger than the "I want" or "I need"? I hope not! I want to branch out, travel, find someone, find love, settle down. I'm not in a huge rush for it all, but sooner the better! After all I'm not getting any younger!

I just hope these dreams dont persist like this! I honesty do not think I can deal with them more than once. I had them a year after I lost the twins, and they were so stressful I started losing my hair. I'm getting to a destressed point in my life, I really do not want to go back the other way!

Day after...

Well almost 24 hours has elapsed since my utter break down.. and yet.. I don't really feel much better.

I guess I probably have my hopes up for something that will never come to fruition. I mean, he's 3000km away, 2 time zones different... and just a little out of my reach. That doesn't mean I'm going to enjoy it all right now, but in reality what chance do I have of ever actually getting him?

I've been listening to a semi new artist named Orianthi. She's an aussie, played with Michael Jackson. And I really like her lyrics. They hit home for me.

But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible,
he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you.

and that's just one. But Sigh... back to the whole... out of reach topic. I guess this is going to turn into a bunch of posts whining about JP.

Selfish

I should be asleep, but, mom had me on the phone late, and now i'm just not as tired as I was an hour ago.

I'm having a selfish night. Today started out wonderful. I was alert, walked to work, happy day.... and then it all went downhill.

I don't know if I've ever officially mentioned Evony before on here, but it's an online game that I play. I thought, that since I have no life, it would be a good way to keep myself occupied. Well, it's done more than that, and I've made some wonderful online friends. A few have even come off the screen and into a little bit more of the real friend section.

I don't make friends. I have very few because I can't handle the disappointment that they always bring me. In fact, the longest I've ever had a friend that I see all the time and can still half stand, since graduating high school is 3 years. Just happens to be my current roommate. Next would be Gwen, with Jenn trailing cause she moved away on me (borderline my issue with friends).

But then I started playing game. I met Flipflop, Leo, Bart, Urfuct, then Dhead, Kass, Britt, Wayne... then Swif and Yum. A few have become daily staples in my life (Urfuct, Swif, Yum) others have left me (Kass, Dhead, Bart, Leo, Britt) for real life, or other game options. the others are there, just silent.

Today two of my daily staples informed me they will be stepping out. Not because they want to, but because life has gotten in the way. Yum will be moving away for a few months, which means she wont be in game. Because she lives in another time zone, it's already hard for us to talk, now, we just wont. This saddens me, because out of all the people I've ever met, we seem to have a same basic level that's hard to find. Yeah, she's a successful college graduate, and i'm just me... but we clicked. If she does go (it's not set in stone) I'm going to miss her. It's a good opportunity, one she needs.. yet... I don't want her to go.

Next is Urfuct (JP from previous posts). He's leaving his job/being let go. this means (from what I gather) no cell phone, no mobile net card.. nothing. This means I have no means of communication with him. This would be fine, except I like him. And he likes me. The sort of like that has caused travel to be discussed. Now, all that is done. Not only because funds aren't there, but because he's going to MIA for who knows how long. While I can certainly miss him, I'm afraid my affection for him, and his for me will fade. This is terrifying for me.. because I know how deep the affection runs for me. He's told me he adores me, but honestly... I have not met him face to face to see him when he says that... I don't know if my heart is ready to fully believe it. And with that much time, and space, and lack of communication... I'm just afraid.

See, today has been a very selfish day. An emotional, selfish day. I don't do the "me me me me me" thing a lot, I'm not important enough. But damn, especially with JP.... I feel like having one of those moments.

And people wonder why I have no life and no friends? Well folks, this is why. The less people you let in, the less times you can be disappointed when life changes on you.

and since at least Yum will probably read this, and kick my ass tomorrow, I should probably disappear. Tomorrow is day one of overtime for me. Hopefully by the time JP comes back around I'll have worked enough hours to say "I'm coming to visit". Sigh.. I wish that it was tomorrow... :(

Confused

so much has happened in the last few weeks. Dad got sick, I went home, came back, dad died, I went home.. now i'm back.

And I'm sad about it? Something about being home was peaceful and happy. Now i'm here and I'm lonely and sad.

Doesn't help that my crush on JP (see previous entry for me being pissed at him) has gotten worse. I've actually gotten to speak to him, like on the phone, and he's just perfect. He'd disagree, and will probably shoot me if he finds this, but I adore him. It's been a few days since we've talked and I miss him. he's busy, and I get that.. but doesn't help me not miss him.

Now i'm going to go back and sulk... just feel all blah