Desires...

the way that life works for me, isn't always a good thing. There is so much that I want to have, or would like to have, or wish to have, and I often wonder just how much, if any of it, I will ever have happen. Some of them are basic wishes, others seem to be a little weirder.

My basic desires are pretty much straightforward for "most" women. I say most because there are some out there that really do not want them. These would be a man, and kids. Notice the wording I used. Man and Kids rather than husband and kids. I say this because I do not believe that you should have to get married to have children, if you dont want to. That's not saying marriage isn't something I dont want... because it is. However, as I creep towards 30 (3.5 years now), the desire for children has started to outweigh the desire for a white dress and "i do's". For some people, the vows come first, which I understand.. but if that's the case I'd like to get them out of the way asap!

I'm really starting to feel the pull for kids. My aunt's due with her 2nd baby in the next 3 weeks. MY AUNT. Not a sister, or a cousin, but my aunt who's 16 years my senior. Since her first was born in 2003 I have had 6 miscarriages. Yes I have reason for them all, nothing too serious (birth control is NOT my friend) and nothing my fault.. but I've still had an opportunity to love and carry a baby and had it ripped away. To put it gently I'm so jealous of my aunt that I'll have problems not running away with her baby once she's here. I'm 26, going on 27. I'm single, I have no official prospects for a man... and I dont have the heart to go out and look for one. I'm going to blame JP for that, becuase god dammit I want him and he's too damn far away for me to do anything about it! But it's getting harder and harder to not want to go and start having a slew of one night stands with out protection, lying to the guys saying I'm on something just to get knocked up. Not a good way to go, I know this, which is why I've never done it... but the appeal is there!

JP and I have been having some problems communicating lately. Stupid stuff ticks me off (not just him, works straight across the board from men to family to friends, to ppl I dont know), and it's hard to stay calm and feel rational. I hold people to their word. You say you'll do it, you better do it or give me a damn good reason (and some notice) as to why. I dont care what he does or where he goes, but if he says "I'll talk to you tomorrow" I want to either talk to him, or hear from him saying he wont be around... with the 2 hour time difference it's almost necessary to avoid me ruining an entire evening or staying up late when I dont have to. He probably feels like I want him to check in, but really.. I dont. I know better than to ask a guy to check in for something, especially one I'm not dating. That's suicide, and I'm not suicidial at the moment! Just dont want to sit around and wait when nothing's going to happen.

This disagreement, tho it seems to have been dealt with and handled (I think..), makes me very nervous about talking to him. Yes, I'm the one who got upset, but when I explained it to him he was obviously annoyed with me. I like this boy, a lot. In fact, if he lived here, I'd be willing to throw away the love of my single life for him. He's a guy, he's going to mess up and be a guy. Nothing that I can do about that. But where he's so far away it puts me on eggshells. I dont want to fight with him. I want to get to know him, get comfortable and pray that we get to meet at some point. Since OT isn't available at work anymore, it's almost up to him to come here and see me because it's just not possible for me to save up the $1200 between now and the end of the year.

In short, I feel like the only "wishful prospect" has gone. I know he hasn't, but I've just got a feeling my words may have ruined it all. I'm gonna back off him a little see if he is still interested. He did talk to me last night for an hour or so, but it seemed strained. That could be just me, but we'll have to see where it goes. I really hope that this can be gotten beyond, I really do like him. I'm no longer afraid to say I'm falling for him, because that would be lying. I haven't fallen yet, but I'm certain should he try and pack me in a suitcase I wont fuss as long as he remembers to grab my camera and my wallet. This still scares me a little, I've spent 2 years avoiding guys... but there's just something a little different about him. *sigh* I'm allowed to dream.. shut up.

******

The route home from work has me feeling a little bitter right now. It seems like everywhere I go I see teen moms or young ppl sporting obvious engagement rings. I know that envy is not appealing.. but god dammit! I'm older, I want it too! Gerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr