Feeling...

I find it odd, ironic even, that the girl who wants nothing more than to fall in love, is afraid of feelings. In fact, it can bring me to a fit of giggles that will last for twenty minutes.

I have feelings for JP. There is no doubt about it. He is sweet, and charming, and obviously likes me as much as I like him. But the distance between us puts up a wall for me, one part of me wants to scale, the other part wants me to run and hide behind it so he cannot see me. It brings back a deja vu from Kris, ever tho the situation is different. Kris had Sarah, JP does not have anyone in his life (that he's admitted to anyways lol). Kris was 700km away, JP is 2900km away. Kris was a farm boy, JP is a country boy. The main kicker tho, is the lack of a woman in his life, and this gives me urges, and desires for him that I didn't have for Kris.

Long story made short, I could fall for JP so fast. Fast enough to make me motion sick. He made the comment (in reply to my falling fast comment) the other night "I already have, I'm just waiting to land." I really hate to make assumptions on the things that he says, because that could set me up for a huge crash landing, the bad kind. But he told me last night, that my assumptions are probably correct to start with. Internet relationships, even of the friendship kind are always rocky. There isn't much that can be done about them really, unless someone is willing to take the leap and do something about it. Both of us seem to want to make this leap, it's just not the right time, and it's just not easy!

At this point, I'm not sure if I want to hide the fact that I'm falling for him from him. I have been trying, but I know I sent him a half asleep mail last night about it.
"you... do you have any idea how hard you are making it to not fall absolutely head over heels for you? I've wanted to say that to you for a while now but i was afraid of scaring you off. But as i laid in bed with my heart racing, my chest hurting i realized just how easy it would be to close my eyes and jump. And even though i should be sleeping...i just had to get it out there."
I want to fall for him. He, so far, is exactly what I've been looking for my entire life. I've had issues with age, and type of work, and body size for years.. and tho he doesn't fit into my past "ideals" he is what I want. He is WHO I want. But I'm so afraid to fall for him and for things to go wrong. It would be just my luck to finally give in and let myself fall, and care, and possibly (can't belive I'm gonna say this word) love him, and for things to go insanely wrong. I just dont know if I'm strong enough to handle that anymore.

And it will be my luck when he logs in tonight and says he read all this. It will either scare him away, or make him come closer. I just want this summer and fall to go by faster and for him to come here so I can meet him! I know once I have met him things are only going to get harder, because he will have to go back home, and go back to his normal life. And that's going to tear me up inside, but it will be worth it. So very very worth it.