Communication

When your only forms of readily communication are text messaging and instant messaging, it's no wonder things to awry. Last night was terrible. JP's in a mood cause of work, which I understand. I'm in full blown nightmare PMS, which I think he understands. But this means we're butting heads left and right at a difficult time. It's not that we're mad at each other, we just can't seem to get our points across due to the muddled lines.

But last night was a rough night on me. I understand things are tough at work for him. But, this went back to the early days of us knowing each other where the comments seemed so serious that they were slightly hurtful. I know I'm over sensitive, but I don't like having to read between the lines of things when there are problems. It was so bad that at one point I laid in bed crying because I was so confused. And it didn't help that 2 minutes later my cell phone went off with a text from him. That went on for an hour. It wasn't like I was going to be able to sleep anyways, but the texts were no clearer than the earlier IM convo! *headdesk, headdesk, headdesk* The last text of the night did bring me some peace "I want you here". Oh dear boy, if I could be there, I would be there in a heart beat.

That's the tough part I guess. I want to be there with him or have him here with me. And we just can't. He's got work, I've got work. And now that I've applied for school it's not like I can up and move until next summer even if he asked me to (which I know he wont, but anyways). School tho will give me a diploma in Business Mangement, which means I may actually be able to get a job and function in the world outside of a damn call center! I don't really know what I'll do with the course, but it will open doors for me and I'll actuall get to see what's out there for ppl like me. It will also give me a better leg up in the whole world should I decide to up and leave Canada. Trying to gain entry to any other country, with out an education looks impossible unless you're getting married. And I don't think I'm quite ready for that yet.

Not saying it's not far off. That's my only real reservation for wanting to meet JP. I'm ready to settle. I want to fall in love, get married, have children and be happy for the rest of my life, or however long I'm meant to be happy for. Right now I'm at a stand still. I'm not looking for anyone, because I have the desire to wait and meet him. Not to say I'm going to turn down Mr.Right if he ran me over on the sidewalk, but I'm not actively looking or dating. As far as I know, he's not either.. but I do know he's said he won't make promises that he won't meet someone in the same accidental way described. It gives my life another air of uncertainty. For the moment I'm ok with that. I should start my course on July 7th or so, and it runs for a full 52 weeks. I can't balance work, friends, school and a guy who's demanding my attention out of the house. But after that.. then what?

I'm probably reading a lot more into this whole thing with JP than I need to. But I've been so lonely for so long, I'm ready to allow myself to be jaded for a little while. But maybe I'm not being jaded, because I LIKE him, a lot. Maybe I'm content to sit here and wait a little because it's him that I want, not someone else. Guess I'm just gonna have to be patient.. I'm always in such a rush for things that I ruin them. Someone chain me to the wall and give me a chew toy?