"There's a voice inside my head saying, you'll never reach it"
~ Miley Cyrus
I don't really have much to day today that's insightful. I'm annoyed with my cell phone company, I'm sore and tired.
But we're almost at moving day! 3 days left and we'll be in our new place!!!! yay! Only one more shift at work, then Wednesday, Thursday and Friday off, all for moving. I'm quite excited.
I guess I do have some insight into today's lyrics set. Part of me always likes to point out that I'm not getting anywhere in my life, but right now I'm just ignoring it. I've got other things to worry about!
Monday, April 27, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Day 1 - April 26th 2009
"I can almost see it, that dream I’m dreaming"
~ Miley Cyrus
May as well start the year off with some reflecting. In 11 years I've had 4 relationships, 2 casual encounters and a whole lotta dates. Well, no, not a lotta dates, but enough to keep me sated.
-Scott and I ended things after 5.5 years, I still don't exactly know why, but that's ok. After 5.5 years and not having any dates before him, it was probably a good thing to happen when it did. Gave me a chance to still enjoy the end of my teen years.. though I didn't.
-Matt #1 and I ended things on a sour note, though I don't think we've ever been mad at each for what happened. Accidents do happen, and even to this day I don't blame him for his reaction. He was 21, has just lost his father, was struggling through school and now was facing fatherhood. I don't think I'll ever blame him for it. It's just a shame that the babies didn't make it.
-Matt #2 and I ended things on a very confusing note. I swore I'd never forgive him, because I didn't see the sense in the break up at all. I was angry with him for a long time, however forgiveness eventually came. I guess you could say all is forgotten now, giving all that has happened in the last seven months between us. One day I figure the casual aspect will haunt me, but for now I'm just trying to keep it at bay and move forward with my life.
-Matt #3 and I ended things a year ago. When I'd discovered he still had online dating accounts, and was aquiring new ones while we were living together, I gave him the choice. Them, or me. He chose them and I moved out a week later. I've not forgiven him at all, and it's now been a year. I did not see the sense in it. Probably has a lot to do with his history, which I found out later, and the shitty way he treated me day to day. I'm not sorry to see this relationship go, I just wish it hadn't ended with another baby dying.
There, there's my reflection. I won't reflect on the dates I've been on, I'll just get angry with a few guys who don't deserve it. But in the 4 relationships, I've had and lost my dream twice. Honestly, I can live with out a man, what's what toys are for. But I want a child, I want a piece of me that I can love and nuture and raise. and I've had it within my grasp twice. The twins didn't desreve to die from their bad genes, the other died from my own mistake. It just isn't fair that it has been so close, and then lost.
But I know one day I'll get this dream. Even if I have to do it all on my own, there are ways to do it (no, I'm not going to trick some poor guy into knocking me up.. lol) if need be. But for now, I'm just going to sit back and wait. "Good Things Come To Those Who Wait." I don't know who said it, but fuck, I hope they're right.
~ Miley Cyrus
May as well start the year off with some reflecting. In 11 years I've had 4 relationships, 2 casual encounters and a whole lotta dates. Well, no, not a lotta dates, but enough to keep me sated.
-Scott and I ended things after 5.5 years, I still don't exactly know why, but that's ok. After 5.5 years and not having any dates before him, it was probably a good thing to happen when it did. Gave me a chance to still enjoy the end of my teen years.. though I didn't.
-Matt #1 and I ended things on a sour note, though I don't think we've ever been mad at each for what happened. Accidents do happen, and even to this day I don't blame him for his reaction. He was 21, has just lost his father, was struggling through school and now was facing fatherhood. I don't think I'll ever blame him for it. It's just a shame that the babies didn't make it.
-Matt #2 and I ended things on a very confusing note. I swore I'd never forgive him, because I didn't see the sense in the break up at all. I was angry with him for a long time, however forgiveness eventually came. I guess you could say all is forgotten now, giving all that has happened in the last seven months between us. One day I figure the casual aspect will haunt me, but for now I'm just trying to keep it at bay and move forward with my life.
-Matt #3 and I ended things a year ago. When I'd discovered he still had online dating accounts, and was aquiring new ones while we were living together, I gave him the choice. Them, or me. He chose them and I moved out a week later. I've not forgiven him at all, and it's now been a year. I did not see the sense in it. Probably has a lot to do with his history, which I found out later, and the shitty way he treated me day to day. I'm not sorry to see this relationship go, I just wish it hadn't ended with another baby dying.
There, there's my reflection. I won't reflect on the dates I've been on, I'll just get angry with a few guys who don't deserve it. But in the 4 relationships, I've had and lost my dream twice. Honestly, I can live with out a man, what's what toys are for. But I want a child, I want a piece of me that I can love and nuture and raise. and I've had it within my grasp twice. The twins didn't desreve to die from their bad genes, the other died from my own mistake. It just isn't fair that it has been so close, and then lost.
But I know one day I'll get this dream. Even if I have to do it all on my own, there are ways to do it (no, I'm not going to trick some poor guy into knocking me up.. lol) if need be. But for now, I'm just going to sit back and wait. "Good Things Come To Those Who Wait." I don't know who said it, but fuck, I hope they're right.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
The One Year Mark
Tonight at midnight will mark the one year since the last idiot chose his online dating sites over me. I'd like to say I'm sad to see the mark coming, but I'm not, because I can honestly say that is a relationship that should never happened. Next time, I will listen to Jenn.
But one year is a big deal for me right now, because I'm actually happy to see it coming. It hasn't been an easy year, hasn't been a year of independence. But it marks a new beginning for me. I don't know if I can actually explain it in a way that anyone else would understand, but since this is a blog, and essentially me talking to myself, I may as well give it a try so I've got something to do for the next 30 minutes or so.
For the last 11 years (yes folks, it has been 11 years since I started actively dating) I've been all about the boys. I like having a boyfriend, I can't deny that because anyone who knows me would call me names. I dislike being single for the most part. But In the 11 years between April 23rd/98 and April 23/09 I was single for 37 months (in separate increments 3.5months, 15months, 4.5months, 12months); that's 2.9 years out of 11. That's not a lot. In fact, it's probably a lot less than it should be considering I've never been married, or fully engaged. But in those 11 years, a huge part of me was driven to go from guy to guy to guy.
But I've recently realized hey, I kinda like not having to report to anyone, doing what I want when I want. That may sound rather silly to most, but for me, that's a HUGE deal. So I'm starting this "new year" with a new motto. I'm going to think about my future for ME, not my future with a HIM. I'm going to work, play, and be happy. I'm going to enjoy my friends, my family and my life as it is right now. I have some things that should be done before I even think about dating... like paying off my bills (pay day loan, credit card, power bill, aliant bill, bell bill, computer, and Library fees) or at least get a start on them. I'd also like to get things in order to go back to school by Sept 2011 at the latest... that gives me two years and 4 months to get all of that paid off ($4000).
But I'm thinking positive. I can do this. I can live my life for me, and be happy with it. And since I've got great friends, both IRL and online, who can help me keep on this path. What, with Jenn on one side with a bat and Chris on the other, how can I walk anything except a straight line forward?
But one year is a big deal for me right now, because I'm actually happy to see it coming. It hasn't been an easy year, hasn't been a year of independence. But it marks a new beginning for me. I don't know if I can actually explain it in a way that anyone else would understand, but since this is a blog, and essentially me talking to myself, I may as well give it a try so I've got something to do for the next 30 minutes or so.
For the last 11 years (yes folks, it has been 11 years since I started actively dating) I've been all about the boys. I like having a boyfriend, I can't deny that because anyone who knows me would call me names. I dislike being single for the most part. But In the 11 years between April 23rd/98 and April 23/09 I was single for 37 months (in separate increments 3.5months, 15months, 4.5months, 12months); that's 2.9 years out of 11. That's not a lot. In fact, it's probably a lot less than it should be considering I've never been married, or fully engaged. But in those 11 years, a huge part of me was driven to go from guy to guy to guy.
But I've recently realized hey, I kinda like not having to report to anyone, doing what I want when I want. That may sound rather silly to most, but for me, that's a HUGE deal. So I'm starting this "new year" with a new motto. I'm going to think about my future for ME, not my future with a HIM. I'm going to work, play, and be happy. I'm going to enjoy my friends, my family and my life as it is right now. I have some things that should be done before I even think about dating... like paying off my bills (pay day loan, credit card, power bill, aliant bill, bell bill, computer, and Library fees) or at least get a start on them. I'd also like to get things in order to go back to school by Sept 2011 at the latest... that gives me two years and 4 months to get all of that paid off ($4000).
But I'm thinking positive. I can do this. I can live my life for me, and be happy with it. And since I've got great friends, both IRL and online, who can help me keep on this path. What, with Jenn on one side with a bat and Chris on the other, how can I walk anything except a straight line forward?
Friday, April 24, 2009
The Climb
I came to a realization last week, about where I've been, what I'm doing, and where I'm going to go. And I bawled like a little baby over it. *shrug*. It was a good cry, because my eyes have been opened and I can finally see a bit more clearly.
My realization was brought on by a song. A Miley Cyrus song actually titled The Climb. It exactly explains how I feel and how I've felt about my life and what's in it. This first entry is mainly to show you the lyrics, which I've included below.
My realization was brought on by a song. A Miley Cyrus song actually titled The Climb. It exactly explains how I feel and how I've felt about my life and what's in it. This first entry is mainly to show you the lyrics, which I've included below.
The Climb- Miley Cyrus
I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreaming but
There’s a voice inside my head sayin,
You’ll never reach it,
Every step I’m taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
The pain I'm knowing
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It's all about
It's all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith
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